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Sunday, October 23, 2011

Melissa's Horror Film Survival Rules

Seven days until my high holy holiday, Halloween, and as I gear up for my annual Fright Fest I want to share with you a few things that I have learned about surviving a horror film. Follow these simple rules and you have a reasonable chance of getting out alive.

Rule #1

There is no such thing as mass psychosis, it's zombies. Did we not learn anything through dozens of zombie films already? Just start gathering supplies and practicing head shots.

Rule #2

Always wear appropriate clothing. No one ever seems to be properly attired in these things. They start off on a road trip with suitcases and when they reach the creepy camp or abandoned house, suddenly all they have are flip flops and shorts. Ladies, you might also want to keep track of your bras. They disappear with inexplicable frequency in horror films.

Rule #3

Keep it in your pants. I know it's tempting, but avoid having sex on graves, in old barns, derelict houses and, or abandoned psychiatric hospitals. Think tetanus shots if nothing else, but you know the killer/zombie/monster will always get you with your pants down.

Rule #4

That shape at the end of the hall is NOT your friend. Keep your mouth shut and keep moving. Don't you just love it when the vics see a giant shuffling shape and call out "Tiffany, is that you?"

Rule #5

Go to the bathroom in groups. Safety in numbers, kids. Nothing like going for a quick pee all by your lonesome and the monster/killer comes up behind you because you didn't bring a friend for lookout.

Rule #6

If the walls or floors start to bleed, LEAVE. Don't bother to call a priest or a psychic, that house is seriously freakin' haunted. GET OUT!

Rule #7

If there's a strange lunatic guy telling you you're going to die in there, DON'T GO IN THERE. How hard is that?

Rule #8

Stay out of the basement. Nothing good ever came from heading into the creepy basement. Unless you're fleeing a tornado, but seriously in horror, how many of those have you encountered?

Rule #9

Don't skinny dip. Come on, now. You know the monster is always in the water and the killer on the shore by your clothes.

Rule #10

No matter how bad the weather, STAY OUTSIDE. That scary looking house is not going to yield any sort of help. Think about it. The place is dilapidated and dark, do you really think you're going to find help in there?

Rule #11

Don't call the cops. They're useless cannon fodder unless it's near the end of the movie when they drive in en masse AFTER it's all over.

Rule #12

Don't ask what the noise is, HAUL ASS. How easy is this one? The noise is always bad news, so just run the fuck away.

So there you have them, my twelve simple rules for surviving horror. Now, I can't guarantee you'll live, but these rules will up your odds.


  1. Great list of rules. Let's hope we can limit the body count this Hallowe'en. I'd like to add the the list of rules:

    Believe in EVERYTHING.

    It's always the idiot who refuses to believe in ghosts/vampires/zombies that is the first to die, where they suddenly has a revelation as their intestines are being pulled out through their nose.

  2. Wow, what an amazing pre-Halloween post! Loved every bit of it and had a good laugh as well. :) Just love your sarcasm and wittiness as always!

    This list of rules is fantastic and actually very helpful.

    I'd add one more rule:

    #13 If you suspect that your house is haunted or there's someone in it, do not ever use the mirror in your bathroom, because if you do, and you open it to get your toothpaste or pills from the shelf behind it, I PROMISE you that after you close it up, the killer/the ghost will be behind you. You were warned! :)

  3. Excellent list! Don't forget the double-tap for zombies.
    I'd add that if you insist on breaking those rules, do not expect a happy ending.

  4. you know me is already ready for the zombie outbreak when it comes to supplies ... I'm a bit of a hoarder when it comes to that :) The only thing me needs is a fireblaster ... my precious ... And, judging from the WALKING DEAD, a crossbow too:)

    And I never got to my basement during night ... mutant mice ... not really safe ...

  5. aaack!!!
    i don't go in my basement EVER!! (well as much as is possible!) i change the filters and flip the breakers and THAT'S IT!

    i had this nightmare- man YEARS ago- about this creature/guy that lived in the basement. and even though I KNOW that it's all in my crazy noggin, i STILL see him hiding behind EVERYTHING when i'm down there!!! even now! thinking about the basement, i see him scraping his long candy cane finger nails against the door trying to get out!!!
    how about- just don't do anything! they'll all think your dead wrapped in your blankie on the couch! possums are GENIUS!

  6. Melissa-- Great advice. I would add no high heels to the apporpriate clothing/attire list.

  7. This is hysterical.

    I don't know if you've ever read it, but there's a book called "How To Survive A Horror Movie" by Seth Grahame-Smith that's really quite a fun read.

  8. Hilarious!! And completely true. Of course, I guess if people this stupid really do exist outside of the movies, when the real zombie apocalypse comes I have a fighting chance.

  9. Great list, I love it.

    Another rule, BE NICE!.
    Karma is a bitch, the jerks always get it the worst.

  10. @Jamie Yes, believe in everything!! IO have to add that rule for sure. It's always the guy who scoffs at the spell or at the idea of ghosts that gets it really violently or when their intestines are being pulled out through their noses. LOL Love that imagery. :)

    @Nebular Thanks hon! I knew you'd like my little list here. And dude you are so right about the bathroom mirror. Another important rule to remember. You and I will definitely be alive at the end to see the cops drive up. ;)

    @Alex Yes! Always double tap. You gotta make sure those ghouls are good and dead, not just dead. And yes, do not break the rules, otherwise something very bad will happen.

  11. @Dezz The zombie apocalypse comes and I'm heading to your place, sweetie. We'll hold em off with the penguin crew.

    Crossbows and fireblasters...I love your choice of weapons. ;)

    @Vics I used to live in a house that had the creepiest basement, it had a cellar AND a filled in tunnel. I would never , ever go down there. Plus we had a bug problem and there were always these ginormous centipedes and water bugs. Blech! And yes, possums are genius. :)

    @ms mariah Thanks! And hell to the yeah no high heels. I swear these dumb girls are always tripping over their pumps as the killer chases them. It's no wonder Leatherface can get them even while wielding a fifty pound chain saw. LOL

  12. @M.J. I HAVE to check that book out. Thank you so much for sharing. I loved putting this list together. All my frustrations about horror came out. ;)

    @julie Yes!! My fat behind has a fighting chance because hey, I may have some extra junk in my trunk, but I've got a brain and I would never do any of these things. I should add "That person stumbling toward you does not need your help. It's a zombie."

    @kane Thank you!! I agree, Karma is a wicked big bitch and it's always the jerks that get their intestines ripped out as they watch.

  13. Oh, what a wonderful set of guidelines! I think we just might get through the coming Zombie Apocalypse, MB!

  14. LMAO< if the walls bleed rule, I was howling ha ha

  15. @Craig Aww.. thanks! I knew you'd appreciate how clear cut they are. I do believe you and I would survive the coming Z Apocalypse. We're smart like that. ;)

    @Dempsey I had to laugh as I was writing. How many times do we see these hapless morons with walls dripping blood, insisting on staying and waiting for a priest. I'm out and it's good to know you'd be ,too. Great minds think alike. ;)

  16. Melissa, these made me laugh, especially #7. :)

  17. @MPax Thanks! Yeah #7 gets me every time in a horror film. They never listen to that guy. :)

  18. http://horrortopfilms.blogspot.com/


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