Back From The Dead And So Much Missed News

I am so sorry I was gone the entire week. So much personal craziness and sickness, I can't even begin to discuss it all. Needless to say, I missed ALOT and I am going to make up for it today. I hope that my fellow American followers had an amazing Independence Day. I had a blast. Yours truly got to cruise the highway in 2013 white Dodge Challenger. A real beauty and I let the ponies run on those straightaways let me tell you. Check it out!

During my absenteeism here in the blogosphere, my awesome friend Tina over at Life Is Good tapped me for the Sisterhood of the World Blogger Award. How cool is that? Thank you so much, Tina. It has been a great joy to reconnect with you this year. You are incredible and inspirational.

Let me pass this great gift onto some wonderful sister bloggers:

Gwen Gardner, brilliant YA author
Robyn Engel at Life By Chocolate, my sister friend and amazing poet
Deniz Bevan at The Girdle of Melian, gifted fantasy and romance writer
PK Hrezo, wonderful writer and friend
Ella at Ella's Edge, friend and incredible positive energy force
KC Kendricks at Between the Keys magnificent writer, friend and fellow car lover
MJ Fifield at My Pet Blog epic writer, sports fan and fellow Whedonite
Susan Gourley Kelly at Susan Says super writer, friend and teacher
Mencara Mitchell, new friend and fierce writer

As if that were not incredible news enough, my amazing friend and cheerleader, Mina over at Some Dark Romantic also tapped me for an award, the Inspirational Liebster. Thank you so much Mina, sorry I am so late getting to this. Stop by her blog and say hello, she's a helluva woman and I adore her.  I'll have to do a proper post later as I want to do a proper acceptance.

Hanging my head in shame, I also missed the Insecure Writers Support Group. Sorry, Captain Ninja Alex and my fellow IWSG'ers. Here's an abbreviated post for that. Please check out my fellow members here.

As a writer, while it is important to kill our darlings, cut unnecessary words, scenes, dialogue, etc., it is also important to remain true to our stories and ourselves as authors. Never let anyone alter your voice or that of your characters. Edits should enhance a story, make it better, not change the course of your story, alter your characters to any great degree or change your voice as an author. It's important for first time published authors to know that a good editor makes your story better, he or she does not review your work or try to make huge changes. And never be afraid to ask for an explanation. It is your story.

Speaking of missing. I also missed the Blog Blitz for Brandon Ax at Writer's Storm. Go say hi.

If you love a horror, you should also check out the incredible super post by Craig Edwards of Let's Get Out of Here and Maynard Morrissey of Horror Movie Diary on  the horror classics I Know What You Did Last Summer and I Still Know Know What You Did Last Summer. These guys are terrific.

On the subject of terrific, the supercool Jeffrey Beesler drops by on Thursday to tell us all about Optical Osmosis, his incredible new story.

So what has been going on with everyone? I feel like I've been out a million years.

S Is For The Soska Sisters

Happy Monday Imaginarians! Welcome to week 4 of the Big A To Z. We are all just pushing through, keeping on and doing an incredible job. Be sure to visit my fellow powerhouse challengers by clicking on the top of my sidebar. I had a great weekend and finally, finally got to see Defiance. In a word: awesome. I loved the characters, the dynamic of this post-alien invasion, Old West style town. And it has Graham Greene, one of my all time favorite actors. I also saw The Sessions with Helen Hunt and John Hawkes. What an incredibly odd, but intriguing film. I can see why Hunt got her Oscar nom, but I think that Hawkes should have gotten one as well.

On with the show...

Today I'm spotlighting two ladies are who rapidly making a name for themselves in the testosterone fueled world of horror. Jen and Sylvia Soska aka The Twisted Twins, have taken the horror industry by storm with their debut flick Dead Hooker in a Trunk. The indie flick was produced for about $2500 and garnered some pretty good critical acclaim for its grindhouse style and wild energy. They count as one of their early influences, the incredible Robert Rodriguez, who is known for his stylish, over-the-top violent flicks like El Mariachi, Machete and Planet Terror. Dead Hooker was made following Rodriguez' advice, laid out in his book Revel Without A Crew. In an unexpected twist, Carlos Gallardo, star of El Mariachi, makes an appearance in the film as God.

Their second flick, American Mary, follows a medical student who gets caught up in the world of underground surgery. It stars one of my fave horror actresses, Katharine Isabelle. From all the buzz and awards it is receiving so far, it sounds like Jen and Sylvia have a certified hit on their hands.We will definitely be seeing a lot more of these ladies.

How was your weekend? See anything good

My Scariest Movies

Seems like my movies here are usually rants so today I am celebrating Halloween by giving you my most disturbing movie experiences ever. I don't scare all that easy, but these two films well, they have scarred my brain for life. I get the creeps when I watch them even now.

The Exorcist

This one had me hiding under the covers with my best friend at the time, Jennifer. This is bar none the scariest film ever for me. It gets me right smack in my Catholic upbringing and the performances in here are nothing short of brilliant.The profound evil that creeps into Regan and Chris MacNeil's lives makes me want to grab my grandmother's rosary and pray til my voice is only a whisper. I literally hold my breath each time Fathers Karras and Merrin enter that room. You can feel their fear, their dread, their determination, but, I can't look away, I'm as caught up in the evil as the priests. Here's that unnerving spider walk, which they did with a real acrobat on a wire.



The Entity

As a woman I find this one particularly disturbing. Barbara Hershey gives an incredible performance as a woman who is raped and beaten by an unseen force in her house. No one believes her, they think she imagined the entire thing. The entity continues to attack her violently while the person she seeks help from, her psychologist, tries to get her to commit herself to a psychiatric institution. It's not the f/x in this so much as the situation. Raped and having no one believe is horrific enough, but not having an attacker you can call the cops to arrest is a complete nightmare. Added to that, the very people you seek help from think you're batshit crazy. Considering what I went through at a point in my own life, I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about this film. Unfortunately, I could not find a clip of the bath scene  that wasn't in a montage so you get the trailer which is kind of cheesy.




There you go, two movies that leave me wanting to runaway screaming for my daddy. What films truly scare you or disturb you?

Worst Movies Halloween Edition: Paranormal Activity

With the opening of Paranormal Activity 4 this past weekend and my friends all begging me to see it with them, I thought this was the perfect time present a Halloween edition of my Worst Movies I have ever seen. I believe I may have spotlighted the original PA film a while back, but since it's now a bonafide franchise, I'll skewer it again.

I do not get the popularity of Paranormal Activity or as I refer to it: Time Elapsed Boring Shit. I saw the first one for DVD review and for shits and giggles finally checked out the next two. Time I could have spent working on the sequel to Maxie Briscoe: Werewolf. Bad move, Mel.

Paranormal Activity is to horror films what Twilight is to vampires. The first one features two people, Katie and Micah, making up dialogue as they go along to an ancient cliched story idea: Haunted House. I guess what is supposed to make it original is this ad libbing and the idea of demons. Okay, I'll give Peli that.

What follows is about 90 minutes of endless time elapsed footage interspersed with "found footage" of our intrepid couple sitting around talking about their day. Oh yay, boring rundown. At one point during this set up Katie says there was a thump last night and she couldn't sleep. Micah gets the brilliant idea to record it. Don't worry Little Lady, your big strong Man will save your sleep by placing video cameras all through the house.

Here's how it shakes out:

Day 1
Time Elapsed Boring Shit.

Day 10 
More Time Elapsed Boring Shit

Day 15 
The covers move. Oh no whatever could it be, a Peeping Tom demon? Hubs kicking the blankets?

Day 20
She gets out of bed, shuffles over and stares at hubs for three hours, then goes back to bed. Was that supposed to be creepy?

Day 444 
And still more Time Elapsed Boring Shit. But this time we have a psychic come calling. Props on originality. Not!

Day 7012 
They run around the house hearing thumps and bumps. Those interns are working overtime off camera.

Day WTF I've lost count 
She cries. "Why is this happening?" And really, why is she crying, there's nothing going on! Except now I want to stab my arm with a steak knife just to relieve the monotony.

Day 1,759,999 
In which Katie finally kills the annoying Micah then disappears until the sequel, er prequel, er whatever the eff Peli's calling it. But, she also makes sure to leave us with the "I'm constipated" face in the camera. Oohh, scary. Take a fiber supplement.

And now we go on to three more sequels...

Paranormal Activity 2 
Time Elapsed Boring Shit plus dog and baby.

Paranormal Activity 3
Retro 80's Time Elapsed Boring Shit plus urban legend Bloody Mary. Is this guy an original thinker or what?

Paranormal Activity 4 
I have not seen this yet, but I can guess: Time Elapsed Boring Shit plus video chat and new neighbors.

What are some of the worst horror films you've ever seen? Or if not horror, then what non-scary movies made you shake your head and want your money back? 

Melissa's Horror Film Survival Rules Part Deux

Last year for Halloween I did a post, Melissa's Horror Film Survival Rules that has been one of my most popular to date. It's a hilarious look at some of the conventions in horror films that drive me batshit crazy. In the spirit of my high holy holiday, Halloween, here is an addendum to the list...

Rule #13

Do Not Read From the Book Come on, you can't be bothered to read in school or any place else, why start with the decrepit tome you found in that creepy house/basement/attic? Nothing good comes from spouting off paragraphs written in a dead language.

Rule #14

Put Down the Smartphone/Camera Equipment and Run For the love of all things holy... Someone or something is trying to kill you, don't effing tape it, HAUL ASS! It's that freakin' simple. If you get hacked to pieces or possessed because you just had to film the monster/killer/ghost/demon, you deserve it!

Rule #15

Do Not Shop at Yard Sales There are only two things you'll get at yard sales: clutter and shit that will get you dead or turn you into a demon's meat suit. Go to Wal-mart if you need cheap. Nothing will kill you there except an out of control Hover Round chair

Rule #16

Stay Away From the Dolls All dolls are creepy, dead-eyed little bastards that will kill you as soon as they get the chance. Leave them alone, don't play with them, get them for your kid or stay in a room filled with them.

Rule #17

Graveyards are Not Party Rooms Let me repeat that for the stoopid peeps out there. Graveyards are Not Party Rooms. You'd think this would be self-explanatory, but no. If you grab a beer and a toke in Dead City, it's over, baby. O-V-E-R.

Rule #18

Stay on the Main Highway Backroads always mean trouble, that's a given. That's where the creepy people, you know the lunatic rednecks, psychotic  motel proprietors and chainsaw wielding maniacs, reside. When was the last time someone chained you to a radiator at a Hardee's or McDonald's?

Rule #19

Camping is Bad Unless you are Girl Scout or a Boy Scout, camping is very bad. There is always some weirdo waiting to turn you into their bitch or their dinner or just kill your ass. Not to mention the monsters. So if your main squeeze says "Let's go camping." slap them until they see reason.

Rule #20

That Killer Ain't Dead A classic rule to be sure. Don't matter if he's riddled with bullets, has a machete buried in his melon, or has a spear in his gullet, that killer ain't dead til you cut off his head like a vampire. Then burn him for good measure. Many a horror film vic has survived only to be killed at the end because of failure to heed this rule. 

Rule #21 

Be Quiet! Screaming and crying will get you dead for the most part. Screaming as you run from the ax wielding psycho is not helpful. It drains your lung capacity, hurts your throat and is just annoying as hell. Plus, if you're trying to hide, it gives you away. So please, SHUT THE FUCK UP!


Rule #22

Don't Be A Dick The assholes always get it the worst, so mind your douchebaggery. Not to mention someone like me will shove your ass in front of the zombie horde right quick you keep that shit up.

Rule #23

Found Footage Equals Trouble From that strange, label-less VHS tape to those old reels in the closet of your new house, found film means a whole heap of trouble from murder to demons. Don't watch! Throw them away, have a yard sale, but get RID of them.

Rule #24

Listen to the small fries. Kids know when shit is about to go south. Listen to them. They're the canaries in mineshaft, those demons, ghosts try to get them first. And we get our asses killed because we dismiss them. Pays to listen when your kid babbles, she's not always talking Sponge Bob. Now keep in mind that this rule applies only when you're not dealing with Creepy Little Kid with dead eyes.


Just another helpful list to get your through the scariest month on the calendar. Any ones I forgot about? Let me know, we can add them. ;)

Melissa's Horror Film Survival Rules

Seven days until my high holy holiday, Halloween, and as I gear up for my annual Fright Fest I want to share with you a few things that I have learned about surviving a horror film. Follow these simple rules and you have a reasonable chance of getting out alive.

Rule #1

There is no such thing as mass psychosis, it's zombies. Did we not learn anything through dozens of zombie films already? Just start gathering supplies and practicing head shots.

Rule #2

Always wear appropriate clothing. No one ever seems to be properly attired in these things. They start off on a road trip with suitcases and when they reach the creepy camp or abandoned house, suddenly all they have are flip flops and shorts. Ladies, you might also want to keep track of your bras. They disappear with inexplicable frequency in horror films.

Rule #3

Keep it in your pants. I know it's tempting, but avoid having sex on graves, in old barns, derelict houses and, or abandoned psychiatric hospitals. Think tetanus shots if nothing else, but you know the killer/zombie/monster will always get you with your pants down.

Rule #4

That shape at the end of the hall is NOT your friend. Keep your mouth shut and keep moving. Don't you just love it when the vics see a giant shuffling shape and call out "Tiffany, is that you?"

Rule #5

Go to the bathroom in groups. Safety in numbers, kids. Nothing like going for a quick pee all by your lonesome and the monster/killer comes up behind you because you didn't bring a friend for lookout.

Rule #6

If the walls or floors start to bleed, LEAVE. Don't bother to call a priest or a psychic, that house is seriously freakin' haunted. GET OUT!

Rule #7

If there's a strange lunatic guy telling you you're going to die in there, DON'T GO IN THERE. How hard is that?

Rule #8

Stay out of the basement. Nothing good ever came from heading into the creepy basement. Unless you're fleeing a tornado, but seriously in horror, how many of those have you encountered?

Rule #9

Don't skinny dip. Come on, now. You know the monster is always in the water and the killer on the shore by your clothes.

Rule #10

No matter how bad the weather, STAY OUTSIDE. That scary looking house is not going to yield any sort of help. Think about it. The place is dilapidated and dark, do you really think you're going to find help in there?

Rule #11

Don't call the cops. They're useless cannon fodder unless it's near the end of the movie when they drive in en masse AFTER it's all over.

Rule #12

Don't ask what the noise is, HAUL ASS. How easy is this one? The noise is always bad news, so just run the fuck away.

So there you have them, my twelve simple rules for surviving horror. Now, I can't guarantee you'll live, but these rules will up your odds.