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Monday, May 23, 2011

Movies I Hate & Wish I'd Never Paid To See Part 1

Today I'm starting something new. Since it's the High Holiest of Holy summer box office jam and I'm in movie mode, I thought I'd give a bit of a rundown on films that I feel I was screwed over, ripped off, cheated, manipulated, and otherwise swindled when I went to see them. I wanted and still want,my money back from these stinkers. I will probably not be a popular person when you read some of these, but well great minds do not always think alike and differing tastes and opinions are what make this world awesome. So with out further ado, here is the first on my list.

The Notebook

I can hear the gasps and vitriolic defenses gearing up. How dare you hate this movie, Melissa. It's so romantic and beautiful and just the best love story ever. What's WRONG with you? I'll tell you what's wrong.

First of all this is not romance. This is an emotionally manipulative piece of sugar frosting birthday cake disguised as romance. It's so cute, that it defines the word and every single synonym for cute. We have cute actors, a cute small town setting, a cute story and cute dialogue. I'm sorry, but this movie was so saccharine sweet, it put me into a diabetic coma from which I am only now recovering.

There is nothing romantic about a user manual movie that tells you when to cry,when to say "awww," when to sigh, when to sniffle and when to turn and hug your BFF because you're so overcome with cute-itis.

I hated every frame of this film, from the trite,overblown dialogue to the cotton candy sweet performances. I even hated the rain and wanted to set fire to that damned old house.

I know, I know Melissa, you cynical bitch. You just are hatin' for no reason. Why Rachel and Ryan are so amazing. And just look at how Noah and Allie struggled to be together and then they die at the end in that nursing home. It's heartbreaking. How can you trash such epic, passionate love? Very easily.

If you have not seen this movie, count yourself lucky. Otherwise you'll be like me and want to bleach your brain and brush your teeth.


  1. But Melissa, they kissed in the rain. The rain!



  2. As much as I appreciate your honesty, hon, I have to disagree. Yes, it was a bit manipulative, but so is the love in real life, so I can't blame it for that. Plus, I adore Rachel - she's awesome! :)

  3. @mood LOL I'm sure after this flick there were millions of women who wanted to be kissed in the rain until they realized it's cold and uncomfortable and oh yeah, you get pneumonia after.

    @Nebular Sweetie, I like Rachel, too. She tried here, but when the script and the direction are that bad, you're doomed to fail.

    I don't think real love is manipulative to this degree. If it is, there's a problem. In real life, Noah would be arrested for stalking and Allie would be in therapy. :)

  4. LOL! Hey, they kissed in the rain in the movie Dear John and I liked that movie. I am a sucker for a good love story. So I bet you hated message in a bottle too? Come on fess up, so curious to see what you didn't like next. Bet you really hated Bridge over Madison County too...LOL! I applaud your honesty, but we have to agree to disagree :)

  5. Most of this movie I can't stand for the very reasons you mention. The end is particularly groan inducing. However, I do like to look at a shirtless Ryan Gosling.

  6. oooh, I remember last year when I did BEST ROMANTIC FILMS poll a bunch of people attacked me for not including this one in the run too. I've never saw it, and I don't think I'd like it since I don't like McAdams and Goslings acting is often overly theatrical and neurotic, but it could never beat MOULIN ROUGE in that poll if you ask me.
    Excited to read the rest of this list, Melsy :)

  7. That was one passionate rant. The Notebook never had a real impact on me, so I can't identify with either end of the spectrum (extreme love vs. extreme hate of the movie). That being said, your rant was pretty entertaining, and I'm sure it's going to generate some intense vitriol.

  8. Oooooh shit. I'm so looking forward to more of your Movies You Hate. I approve of bitter!pissed off!Melissa. She's hella funny. And yeah, the Notebook is definitely one of those movies you watch only under these conditions: with your grandmother or with your femme girlfriend to get laid. Otherwise, I agree that it's literally a movie written with a near mathematical science in order to get tears and swollen hearts.

  9. @Siv I love great romances, too, but you're right, we will agree to disagree. :) Bridges was quite good, actually and I didn't mind Message. I prefer my romance unconventional and not necessarily with them ending up together forever. Glad you're looking forward to the rest of my list. :)

    @M.J. Ryan Gosling shirtless is candy,candy, candy. ;)

    @Dez Moulin Rouge is one of my all times faves. Such a glorious film and the performances were stunning.

  10. @Matt Glad you liked my little rant. I hate spending good money on a film and being taken to the cleaners because it's so bad. I had actually wanted to see this film, but I became bitter when it turned out just awful and there was no return policy.

    @M LMAO!! So you think bitter, pissed off Mel is hella funny. Awesome! You are gonna love my upcoming entries into this category. They get worse and one, I actually had been looking forward to with intense passion. That one I fucked myself over on because I should have known better.

  11. I rememeber going with my sister to see this movie, she bawlled the whole way through the bloody thing, which has kind of left a sour taste in my mouth twords the movie as a whole. but there were parts that I remember as ok. (we'll put it this way, I watched it one, would not watch it again)

  12. Hi Melissa, I didn't watch it. Reading the book was hard enough, and I didn't want to put myself through it. I am probably the only woman in America who hasn't seen The Titanic either, for similar reasons.

    I am very wary of Nicholas Sparks books now, too ... even though they are well written, the ones that I have read have had lots of sadness in them.

    I loved this post, btw. Oh, as an update, Geoff was found safe and sound ... after he crawled out from the rubble after riding out the storm in his bathtub, a lady saw him on the curb and took him to her house. Yay for that!

    Kathy M.

  13. I'm glad I haven't made the effort to see this. The idea of people sobbing in their seats doesn't excite me. I can't be mean and tell them to shhh!

  14. @baygirl My friend cried through it as well. I hate watching a movie where everyone is sobbing and I'm not. Makes me uncomfortable. :)

    @Oregon Kathy, Sparks writes with an abundance of sadness and you really have to be in the mood to read his stuff. I've taken some of his book back to the library unread.

    So very happy to hear about Geoff. That is awesome!

    @KC I hear you. It's really weird to be in the dark with bunches of crying people all sniffling simultaneously. You want to say something, but don't want to be mean, either

  15. Definitely can't stand a super saccharin-sweetened type of films so that's actually why I never watched this one.

  16. @Jaccstev Be glad you never had the misfortune. You spared yourself for sure. Saccharine movies just grate on my last nerve because honestly, who needs all that sappiness?

  17. I saw it on TV. The idea of the story was good, but I find all that baggage then getting together unreal. In real life, there's a point where there's too much water under the bridge and there's no saving anything. Resentment, mistrust, etc ...

    My idea of a love story - Zoe and Wash in Serenity. :D

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