Potpourri of Cool

Well I hope everyone has had a great start to their week. I spent a very lazy day yesterday and helped a friend with a rather interesting problem. I was also at Jeffrey Beesler's World of the Scribe and poked fun at my writing. You can check out the whole thing here since I didn't post it up like I should have. Bad Melissa! Thank you so much Jeffrey, for having me. I loved it and you rock for always showing the love for your fellow writers.

I saw Kung Fu Panda 2, which I thoroughly enjoyed, but did not laugh out loud as much as I did at the first one. I think my mood was soured by the fact that someone threw their baby's shitty diaper out the car window and nearly hit me. What a disgusting splat right by my new shoes. It was still an awesome flick with excellent animation f/x and a great story chock full of humor.

I also got a chance to see one of my most romantic and favorite movies ever, Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison with Robert Mitchum and Deborah Kerr. I love it when I get a quiet moment to watch a favorite movie that is near and dear to me. It's like wrapping myself in my softest comforter and watching it snow outside, knowing I have absolutely nowhere to be. This is one of the very few movies I tear up at and I feel like big loser for admitting that because I HATE to cry. It exposes my soft, gooey center. I'm a tough chick from Chicago's South Side... No cryers, fools!:P

I should own this film, but I don't. It tops my ever expanding list of must buys. If you ever get a chance to see this gem do so. The chemistry between Mitchum and Kerr is incredible, the dialogue is sharp and highly entertaining. There are also some really tense, scary situations and I get caught up every single time I watch this. Besides, Robert Mitchum is hot as hell with that teddy bear scruff.

Movies I Hate & Wish I'd Never Paid To See Part 3

Here we are at Number Three. I can't believe how many films I've lambasted this week so far. But I love the movies and there is no greater crime than paying to see one that is so bad. That's what cable TV is for. Today's selection, Numero Tres, is a godawful piece of tripe that really ruins the memory of certain historic events.

Pearl Harbor

Or How Michael Bay figured out how to cram as many cliches and tropes as possible into one film and still have billions of explosions. What we have is not one film, but three. There's the Battle of Britain, Pearl Harbor and Doolittle's Raid, none of which received the attention they deserved. Then we have this cliche to the core, chewy gooey love story.

Let me count the conventions here and I encourage you to check the plot summary to make sure I haven't missed something. One, best friends fall for same girl. Two, the friend who wins her gets killed. Three, the girl and surviving friend fall for one another and make beautiful luurve. Four, dead friend comes back right before big attack. Five, girl finds out she's preggers with friend's kid. Six, best buds fight, make up, then go on secret mission where father friend is killed. Seven, Lazarus returns to the woman and they raise the kid together, naming him after dead friend. Eight, and they all lived happily ever after. It's a drinking game, I tell you.

Furthermore, there wasn't an ounce of chemistry to be had among our three main characters to make this bullshit easier to swallow. Their manners and delivery were stiffer than frost covered grass and more awkward than a lumbering walrus. I found myself laughing uproariously during those painful, so-called love scenes. And someone please tell me what the eff was up with Josh and Kate banging in the parachutes? It was like watching shadow puppet theater. I pictured Pinnochio singing "I got no strings to hold me down..."

Man, every time I think about the fact that I paid to see this load of crap, I want to pluck out my eyes with tweezers. I even had margaritas before I saw this and not even good tequila could make this mess look good.

So Long Kenickie

The iconic film, Grease, was a huge, huge, HUGE part of my childhood and I am more than a little sad to find out that Jeff Conaway, who played T-Bird Kenickie, has died. Sure he fell far from his days as the lovable greaser and became a caricature and stereotype, but for me, he will always be that smart-aleck, leather jacket-wearing T-Bird who got through the hard shell of the wise-cracking Rizzo.

Fave Kenickie Quotes

"A hickie from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card, when you only care enough to send the very best."

"The problem's in your mouth."

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Dingleberries on parade!"

"My 25 cent insurance policy." (His condom from 7th grade)

"You're cruisin' for a bruisin'."

I grew up wanting to be a Pink Lady and used to play the part of Rizzo when my little friends and I would get together. I think my mouth and attitude fit the role quite nicely. I did sometimes take on the role of Frenchie when Deanna wanted to be Riz. And yes I still do know all the words to Beauty School Drop Out and There Are Worse Things I Could Do. However, now I only sing after sufficient alcohol has eliminated my inhibitions and dulled everyone's auditory senses.

Here's me with my friends, not the Pink Lady crew, unfortunately, but it will give you an idea of what I looked like and you can picture me with pink hair. It's a bit blurry, and I apologize, but this is a Polaroid from 1979 and I don't have Photoshop. I'm the one on the right, rockin' the mom jeans. LOL

Movies I Hate &Wish I'd Never Paid To See Part 2

Since we're talking bad movies today, check out my review for The Rite. It's not pretty, just like this movie here.

Yes, it's time for another addition to my infamous hit list. Today's entry is straight out of WTF land.

The Village

This is one of the worst celluloid crimes ever perpetrated on humanity. A story one thinks up after downing a cocktail of liquid cold medicine and vodka followed by an Alaska-sized bong chaser.

I want to change my name and flee to parts unknown whenever I think about the fact that I actually paid to see this. Man, I just bent right the hell over for this giant screw of a movie.

People who couldn't handle their real lives, set up a utopian village in the middle of a rich guy's estate. Seriously? Then, they erect a wall around their little colonial resort, telling their kids horrible monsters will eat them if they go beyond the boundaries. Are you effing kidding me? And apparently this guy is so rich, he pays the FAA to keep planes from flying over the village so the kids will think it really is 200 years ago. Oh. My. Freaking. GOD!!!

Then we have the scintillating performances of Bryce Dallas Howard, Joaquin Phoenix, Adrien Brody, William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver. Oscar winners and nominees. Apparently all the King's men and all the King's horses could not make M. Night's movie believable.

Talk about stoopid to the Tenth Power and yes, I did spell it with two O's. That's how fucktarded this movie is and how unintelligent I was for paying to see it.

Movies I Hate & Wish I'd Never Paid To See Part 1

Today I'm starting something new. Since it's the High Holiest of Holy summer box office jam and I'm in movie mode, I thought I'd give a bit of a rundown on films that I feel I was screwed over, ripped off, cheated, manipulated, and otherwise swindled when I went to see them. I wanted and still want,my money back from these stinkers. I will probably not be a popular person when you read some of these, but well great minds do not always think alike and differing tastes and opinions are what make this world awesome. So with out further ado, here is the first on my list.

The Notebook

I can hear the gasps and vitriolic defenses gearing up. How dare you hate this movie, Melissa. It's so romantic and beautiful and just the best love story ever. What's WRONG with you? I'll tell you what's wrong.

First of all this is not romance. This is an emotionally manipulative piece of sugar frosting birthday cake disguised as romance. It's so cute, that it defines the word and every single synonym for cute. We have cute actors, a cute small town setting, a cute story and cute dialogue. I'm sorry, but this movie was so saccharine sweet, it put me into a diabetic coma from which I am only now recovering.

There is nothing romantic about a user manual movie that tells you when to cry,when to say "awww," when to sigh, when to sniffle and when to turn and hug your BFF because you're so overcome with cute-itis.

I hated every frame of this film, from the trite,overblown dialogue to the cotton candy sweet performances. I even hated the rain and wanted to set fire to that damned old house.

I know, I know Melissa, you cynical bitch. You just are hatin' for no reason. Why Rachel and Ryan are so amazing. And just look at how Noah and Allie struggled to be together and then they die at the end in that nursing home. It's heartbreaking. How can you trash such epic, passionate love? Very easily.

If you have not seen this movie, count yourself lucky. Otherwise you'll be like me and want to bleach your brain and brush your teeth.

How A Werewolf Took Over My Brain And Other Random Bits Of Coolness

Yes, you read that title right. ;) I am talking about my werewolf, story, Maxie Briscoe, over at the wicked cool blog of mystery writer Beth Anderson. I'm delving deep into how Maxie came to be. She quite literally took over my brain one day. Come on and join me here.

Secondly, one of the best things happened to me. The awesome Jeffrey Beesler is having an I'm 33 contest and yours truly has won a guest blog spot and critique. I am very, very excited and did a happy dance. I nearly knocked over my computer. ;)

And, AND you should all know that the uber-talented author and friend of The Imaginarium, Jessica Bell is hosting The Homeric Writers Retreat and Workshop in Greece. Man, do I ever wish I was going to be in attendance. It sounds amazing. Go here to find out more.

No Wonder Woman? WTF?!!!!

I am out for blood, specifically that of David E. Kelley and the execs at NBC. I am beyond pissed that the new Wonder Woman television series has been cancelled before it even had a chance to start. WTF? Excuse me? How can Wonder Woman be over when not one ep has aired? How in the name of all that's holy does one fuck up a ready made money machine with a built-in loyal following? Let me count the ways...

1. David E. Kelley has no concept on how to work with superhero material. After all the pilot was riddled with Girl Power bubblegum songs ala Kelley's previous work Ally McBeal. The script was more goofy comedy than drama and featured the tired catch phrase "You go girl." and Adrianne Palicki in an atrocious costume that looked like something out of a superhero strip show.

2. See above

3. The responses at the screening according to Deadline were mixed, with people saying they didn't "buy into the modernization" and was there really a need for more comic book superhero shows. WTF?! First of all, that modernization response is total bull. It's probably code for "we don't want to see women kicking actual ass, we want them in sexy pillow fights, screaming obscenities or pulling hair like the girls on Jersey Shore." Or worse yet, "we think women should be rescued by the heroic man, it's more in line with family values and expectations." Second, considering the bulk of network television is given over to lame reality shows, yes, there is a need for some original programming that requires actual actors and writers.

4. The marketing. This show was going strictly for comic relief and dramedy like Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives. They were not even trying for those of us from the Heroes, Buffyverse, Xena: Warrior Princess and Smallville crowds. You know, the ones who would actually watch and promote the show.

5. "Superhero shows haven't done well on television." Really? Okay, what was Buffy, if not a superhero? Clark Kent and Smallville? Heroes? Xena? These shows all lasted more than three seasons and have cult followings. These shows all over came atrocious scheduling that would have killed lesser shows.

6. DC Comics. Wonder Woman is one of their prize treasures, yet they let this show concept get mishandled from the start. Where were they when David E. Kelly was fucking this show up? Counting the days til they can release more Superman and Batman toys no doubt.

Wonder Woman was such a huge influence on me. I was raised on her comics and the television show. I wanted more than anything to be Lynda Carter, fighting crime with my golden lasso and bracelets, flying my invisible jet. I am sad for all those little girls out there who won't get a chance to know her character like I did.

I love superhero movies. Batman, Superman, Iron Man, and Spider-Man are all some of my favorites...I'm happy that they are so successful, but where is the hero for the girls? I watch every summer as the men kick ass and the women are damsels to be rescued, relegated to love interests and hero tech support. Even Sue Storm is nothing more than the cook/secretary for the Fantastic Four. Don't believe me, watch those films again. She spends more time asking those guys what they want to eat and going "Oh Reed." "Oh Johnny." and "What's happening?" Not to mention the running joke of her losing her clothes.

There were bright spots with X-Men and Watchmen, but nothing where it is solely a female hero taking charge. Elektra and Cat-Woman were both abysmal and I hate it when they are held up as examples of why women fail as superheroes. No one other than comic geeks were familiar with Elektra and the whole world knows Cat-Woman was a villain in Batman NOT a superhero.

When, oh when, are we going to get a bonafide female superhero blockbuster movie? I'm holding out hope for Marvel's Black Widow, that she will get her own flick. But since Marvel has not planned an origins movie for their female X-Men, my faith is dwindling. It is so frustrating being a woman and a fan of superheroes.