Happy Friday And What I Learned from 2013

Whoo hoo, it's Friday, my favorite day of the week. It seems it takes forever to get here sometimes, doesn't it? Do you all have big plans for the weekend? I'm hoping to get some writing done and catch up on American Horror Story because I missed the last four eps, so shhhh...No Spoilers! ;)

I can't believe 2013 is over. The year ended on such a downer, but I did have an amazing time and learned alot, good, bad and ugly. Here are just a few of those lessons...


I learned one of my favorite TV shows, Sons of Anarchy, has some of the stoopidest, most ignorant fans out there. Example, recently a dedicated fan site posed the question "Since the show is coming into its last season, who do you think will die?" Me: "Everyone. This is Hamlet set in a motorcycle club according to Kurt Sutter [the creator] and everyone died in Shakespeare's play." Ignoramus Fan: "Shut the fuck up U dum cow. This is about Jax and the mc and guns and shit,  not a story some old dude wrote like 40 years ago. Git fucked u bitch."  Ah the intelligent discourse to be found on the internet.

I must make a Murtagh list because there is definitely shit I am too old for. Like riding my once beloved Tilt-A Whirl. I was so excited at the Festival of the Lakes this past summer. I got on the Tilt-A-Whirl with my nephew and sister. We got a great car that spun like mad. Sadly, when the ride was over, I nearly fell half a dozen times before I managed to stagger down the stairs and off the ride. Thankfully, I did not embarrass myself by yakking all over. I was, however, dizzy for the next two hours. A sad, sad, day for me.

Apparently, I am broke enough for the Federal Government to be on Medicaid, but still make too much money according to the State of Illinois, who denied me the coverage.

One of my local movie theaters has the first showing of the day for $5. Methinks that I will be seeing a lot more features at 9:00 AM on Saturdays.

I learned how to use a Smartphone. Yes!

2013 was also a year of reunions. I also reconnected with a couple of very old friends. We had been MIA from each other' lives for 15 years and thanks to Facebook, we got back together and have hung out several times.

Last year was also a great one for movies and while I'm not going to compile a whole list, some of my faves were The Hobbit 2, Thor 2, Pacific Rim, Man of Steel, Iron Man 3, Fast 6, World War Z and God, help me, Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa. I have a very juvenile sense of humor.

One of the highlights of the year was me getting to drive a 2013 Dodge Challenger. I learned I do love to go very, very fast.

So what stood out from 2013 for you? Have a terrific weekend and I'll be be back on Monday. It sure feels good to say that.

Enter The Asylum...American Horror Story

It was a Wednesday night bloodbath around these parts. A mini Friday the 13th marathon topped off with the season two premiere of American Horror Story: Asylum. Yes!!! Okay, American Horror Story is just one of the most twisted, fiendish and diabolical shows on television. The premise of the show is outstanding, take one season and play out an unholy, horrific tale to the bone. It is so well-written, so disturbing that it gives me the creeps. Yes you read that right. Me, Mel B, badass bitch and horror fan, gets the creeps over this show. I mean after what happened in the first season, how can they possibly get any more vile? Let me count the ways...

Ahoy, Spoilers Ahead! It's The Big Breakdown

We open with a young couple Leo and Teresa, (played by Adam Levine and Jenna Dewan Tatum) heading into an abandoned Waverly Hills type of sanitarium called Briarcliff, for the express purpose of having sex. She's the horror fan who loves to get her freak on in haunted places. He's the supportive and loving husband wanting to accommodate his wife and film their encounters. That's right, they're married. Does the Sex Equals Death rule not apply? Things aren't looking good for the pair so far.

Flashback to 1964 and a young gas station attendant, Kit (Evan Peters), about to close up for the night. Perfect for a  serial killer, right? Wrong, Kit's friends show, wanting to take him out to rough some guy up. He declines and heads home to his wife. We find out he has secrets of his own and when he sees headlights, he grabs his rifle. You don't go for the gun if you're feeling safe and normal. He and his wife get attacked and as the lights come we flash to the sanitarium where a young reporter, Lily (Sarah Paulson) sneaking in on a cover story to get the scoop on a serial killer being brought in, a hell of a guy known as Bloody Face (think Ed Gein) He apparently enjoys torturing and decapitating women, then wearing their faces. Mmm...Tasty! Shock to the system, it's poor Kit who's accused of these horrific crimes. WTF?

Here at the asylum we meet the sadistic Sister Jude, played by the incredible Jessica Lange. She's the nun in charge who believes that mental illness is just a cover up for sin. Yeah, she's a nasty cocktail of religious Nazi.We have her underling, Sister Mary Eunice played by Lily Rabe, a woman who is frightened of her own shadow and willing to do anything to keep out of the way of Sister Jude's wrath. Jude apparently believes in corporal punishment and has a collection of fine spanking implements in a closet decorated with crosses. How perverted is that?

The main challenger for dominance at Briarcliff is Doctor Arthur Arden, a shaved bald James Cromwell. He believes in the torture and murder method of unlocking the secrets to the madness in his patients. Quick, sign me up for a session on his couch. Jude's pissed that she can't gainsay him because he's been appointed by Monsignor Tim (Joseph Fiennes), Jude's boss and secret crush.  So she sets her bitch, Mary, up to be ol' Doc's toady and report to her. He's got poor Mary hopping and sending her to dispose of bloody body parts out in the woods, where something eats human flesh. I tell you this show twists in on itself like strings of Christmas lights.

Spoilers Over! 

To say I am addicted is an understatement. I watched  last night like I watched all last season, cringing with a pillow in fascinated dread. This show is wicked and the only way it could possibly get better is by having Louise Fletcher make an appearance as Jude's Mother Superior. Nurse Ratched vs Sister Jude, the ultimate smackdown.  I would sell a kidney to see that. Hmmm...Dear Ryan Murphy... 

If you love horror at all, you must watch American Horror Story.Wednesday nights at 10, 9 Central on the F/X network for those of us stateside.

Movies I Hate & Wish I'd Never Paid To See Part...Whatever

With all the hype surrounding David Fincher and his Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, as well as all the press he's received for The Social Network, it's time to break my 20 year vow of silence on perhaps the worst movie ever made in my opinion, Fincher's Alien 3. Where do I begin to describe the utter WTFery that is this movie? This film ruined what had been a sensational franchise, detonating it in one huge mushroom cloud of artsy, fartsy misguided nonsense, leaving Ripley dead and we the fans in a smoking wreckage from which we have never recovered. Hello, Alien Resurrection.

Who the hell thought it would be an awesome idea to have Fincher make his big-budget debut with this movie? Because yeah, making 80's music vids so qualified him to succeed James Cameron on a sci fi epic. To be fair, there were more script changes than winning lottery combinations. Why? What the hell was so hard? It's a fucking sci fi horror. You have alien monsters, people getting killed and a kick ass woman who takes them down. A simple, in-your-face formula that worked.

And it was fucked with it seven ways to Katmandu. Morphed into a weird, unrecognizable mess of shaved heads and psychotropic drugs. I went into this on a high reserved heretofore only for the original Star Wars sequels and well, Aliens. From the first frame, I wanted to put the beat down on Fincher and his producers, put their collective manly bits in a spice grinder. This was not my Ripley and not my ass-kicking sci fi movie. It was betrayal at the highest levels. Kill Hicks and Newt? Are you fucking kidding me? Set it on a prison planet? All right, we could go with that. But kill off Ellen Ripley? What exactly were they smoking/shooting up? And to think I paid top dollar on a midnight opening for this. Talk about How To Kill A Multi-million Dollar Franchise In 10 Frames Or Less.

Deep breath...I was spewing as I wrote this and had to do some serious editing. 20 years is a long time to keep rage inside. Maybe I can channel it into a story...Anyway, at least I can look forward to the return of Ridley Scott with his Alien prequel, Prometheus. And maybe a franchise can be reborn.

Seriously Twisted Television

I am absolutely in love with the new show American Horror Story. It has to be the most twisted, creepy, squirmy thing I have ever seen on television. Check it. The show centers on the Harmon family, Ben, Vivien and daughter Violet. They move from Boston to Los Angeles after Vivien gives birth to a still born babe because she discovered Ben having an affair with a patient. Cool drama so far, no? Anyway, they move into this restored mansion that has a hugely tragic and evil past. As Ben and Viv struggle to repair their broken marriage and poor Violet suffers from depression, they must confront the horrors in their new home.

The always excellent Dylan McDermott stars as Ben, a psychiatrist on the ragged edge. He's sunk all of his money into this second chance, very aware that he has Mt. Everest to climb and Death Valley to cross in order to have even a chance at winning Viv back. Viv, played by the super-talented Connie Britton, is broken woman, who's seeking some kind of way out of the black hole her life has become. She hates her husband, but yet, he's also offered her a kind of life line and the glimmer of a way out the dark forest s she's willing to latch and at least try. Violet is played by newcomer Taissa Farmiga. She's depressed, resentful and been forced to leave everything familiar behind. Added to this insanity are Jessica Lange as Constance, the whacked-out neighbor whose mentally handicapped daughter is obsessed with the house. Evan Peters is Tate Langdon a new patient of Ben's who is obsessed with Violet and has his own connections to the house. Some recurring guest stars include Kate Mara as Ben's student lover, Zachary Quinto as a former owner whose obsession with the house has clearly not been cured by leaving and Frances Conroy as Moira, the housekeeper who definitely has her crazy connections to the place.

Now we come to the house. And man, this house makes Amityville look like an over-stimulated kindergartener. Built by an insane surgeon, there has been murder, mayhem, sick experiments and other evil happenings in this house since the very beginning. Every week we are treated to yet another glimpse from the house's evil past. It drives its residents insane when it's not killing them off.

Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, the creators of the brilliant Nip/Tuck and Glee are the fiendish minds behind this series. I watch every single week and I am never disappointed. I can't believe I'm seeing this on television. It's just mind-blowing, psychotic and outrageously creepy. I can't wait for more.