Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Worst Movies Halloween Edition: Paranormal Activity
I do not get the popularity of Paranormal Activity or as I refer to it: Time Elapsed Boring Shit. I saw the first one for DVD review and for shits and giggles finally checked out the next two. Time I could have spent working on the sequel to Maxie Briscoe: Werewolf. Bad move, Mel.
Paranormal Activity is to horror films what Twilight is to vampires. The first one features two people, Katie and Micah, making up dialogue as they go along to an ancient cliched story idea: Haunted House. I guess what is supposed to make it original is this ad libbing and the idea of demons. Okay, I'll give Peli that.
What follows is about 90 minutes of endless time elapsed footage interspersed with "found footage" of our intrepid couple sitting around talking about their day. Oh yay, boring rundown. At one point during this set up Katie says there was a thump last night and she couldn't sleep. Micah gets the brilliant idea to record it. Don't worry Little Lady, your big strong Man will save your sleep by placing video cameras all through the house.
Here's how it shakes out:
Time Elapsed Boring Shit.
More Time Elapsed Boring Shit
The covers move. Oh no whatever could it be, a Peeping Tom demon? Hubs kicking the blankets?
She gets out of bed, shuffles over and stares at hubs for three hours, then goes back to bed. Was that supposed to be creepy?
And still more Time Elapsed Boring Shit. But this time we have a psychic come calling. Props on originality. Not!
They run around the house hearing thumps and bumps. Those interns are working overtime off camera.
Day WTF I've lost count
She cries. "Why is this happening?" And really, why is she crying, there's nothing going on! Except now I want to stab my arm with a steak knife just to relieve the monotony.
In which Katie finally kills the annoying Micah then disappears until the sequel, er prequel, er whatever the eff Peli's calling it. But, she also makes sure to leave us with the "I'm constipated" face in the camera. Oohh, scary. Take a fiber supplement.
And now we go on to three more sequels...
Paranormal Activity 2
Time Elapsed Boring Shit plus dog and baby.
Paranormal Activity 3
Retro 80's Time Elapsed Boring Shit plus urban legend Bloody Mary. Is this guy an original thinker or what?
Paranormal Activity 4
I have not seen this yet, but I can guess: Time Elapsed Boring Shit plus video chat and new neighbors.
What are some of the worst horror films you've ever seen? Or if not horror, then what non-scary movies made you shake your head and want your money back?