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Friday, October 12, 2012

Melissa's Horror Film Survival Rules Part Deux

Last year for Halloween I did a post, Melissa's Horror Film Survival Rules that has been one of my most popular to date. It's a hilarious look at some of the conventions in horror films that drive me batshit crazy. In the spirit of my high holy holiday, Halloween, here is an addendum to the list...

Rule #13

Do Not Read From the Book Come on, you can't be bothered to read in school or any place else, why start with the decrepit tome you found in that creepy house/basement/attic? Nothing good comes from spouting off paragraphs written in a dead language.

Rule #14

Put Down the Smartphone/Camera Equipment and Run For the love of all things holy... Someone or something is trying to kill you, don't effing tape it, HAUL ASS! It's that freakin' simple. If you get hacked to pieces or possessed because you just had to film the monster/killer/ghost/demon, you deserve it!

Rule #15

Do Not Shop at Yard Sales There are only two things you'll get at yard sales: clutter and shit that will get you dead or turn you into a demon's meat suit. Go to Wal-mart if you need cheap. Nothing will kill you there except an out of control Hover Round chair

Rule #16

Stay Away From the Dolls All dolls are creepy, dead-eyed little bastards that will kill you as soon as they get the chance. Leave them alone, don't play with them, get them for your kid or stay in a room filled with them.

Rule #17

Graveyards are Not Party Rooms Let me repeat that for the stoopid peeps out there. Graveyards are Not Party Rooms. You'd think this would be self-explanatory, but no. If you grab a beer and a toke in Dead City, it's over, baby. O-V-E-R.

Rule #18

Stay on the Main Highway Backroads always mean trouble, that's a given. That's where the creepy people, you know the lunatic rednecks, psychotic  motel proprietors and chainsaw wielding maniacs, reside. When was the last time someone chained you to a radiator at a Hardee's or McDonald's?

Rule #19

Camping is Bad Unless you are Girl Scout or a Boy Scout, camping is very bad. There is always some weirdo waiting to turn you into their bitch or their dinner or just kill your ass. Not to mention the monsters. So if your main squeeze says "Let's go camping." slap them until they see reason.

Rule #20

That Killer Ain't Dead A classic rule to be sure. Don't matter if he's riddled with bullets, has a machete buried in his melon, or has a spear in his gullet, that killer ain't dead til you cut off his head like a vampire. Then burn him for good measure. Many a horror film vic has survived only to be killed at the end because of failure to heed this rule. 

Rule #21 

Be Quiet! Screaming and crying will get you dead for the most part. Screaming as you run from the ax wielding psycho is not helpful. It drains your lung capacity, hurts your throat and is just annoying as hell. Plus, if you're trying to hide, it gives you away. So please, SHUT THE FUCK UP!


Rule #22

Don't Be A Dick The assholes always get it the worst, so mind your douchebaggery. Not to mention someone like me will shove your ass in front of the zombie horde right quick you keep that shit up.

Rule #23

Found Footage Equals Trouble From that strange, label-less VHS tape to those old reels in the closet of your new house, found film means a whole heap of trouble from murder to demons. Don't watch! Throw them away, have a yard sale, but get RID of them.

Rule #24

Listen to the small fries. Kids know when shit is about to go south. Listen to them. They're the canaries in mineshaft, those demons, ghosts try to get them first. And we get our asses killed because we dismiss them. Pays to listen when your kid babbles, she's not always talking Sponge Bob. Now keep in mind that this rule applies only when you're not dealing with Creepy Little Kid with dead eyes.


Just another helpful list to get your through the scariest month on the calendar. Any ones I forgot about? Let me know, we can add them. ;)





29 comments:

  1. Camping is always bad! Go watch Cabin in the Woods if you doubt that one.

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    1. Loved Cabin in the Woods! What a great flick so wild and different. I have to watch it again. And yes it hammers home that camping is bad. :)

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  2. Don't be a dick - LOL! Unless you want to end up dead.

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    1. Yes, being a dick equals death LOL They're the ones who get gruesomely impaled or devoured.

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  3. dolls are always creepy, Melsy, and people who like to hoard them too :)))

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    1. Absolutely! Dolls creep the hell out of me. I get the willies just looking at them in the store. ;)

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  4. I agree that dolls are creepy as hell. I think you have all the rules covered. Oh...hang on. two more. Don't split up from the main group to go check some shit out by yourself. And don't go have sex in the woods with your significant other, because if--by some miracle--you get away with camping, you are still signing your doom with this.

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    1. Good rules! I forgot about the don't split up. What does that say about me as a horror fan LOL Sex in the woods is just screaming come and kill me.

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  5. Part 2 is every bit as hilarious as last year's part one. Had so much fun reading it.

    Mel, if horror filmmakers take your rules into account, there will be NO horror movies at all. LOL.

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    1. I'm so glad you enjoyed these rules like you did the last one. I was cracking myself up as I wrote them. And you're right if they followed my rules there'd be no horror LOL :)

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  6. I'm no Girl Scout, but camping is definitely off my list of summer activities.

    Loved all of these Melissa :)

    .......dhole

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  7. Hey Donna! Thanks. I cracked myself up writing them. Camping is most definitely not on my good time list. :)

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  8. I have problems with rules 7 and 24
    some of my best parties were in the french catacombs, and that kid from mcpherson tapes was telling everyone that everything was fine when it clearly wasn't, other notable kids that defy the rule include damien from omen, and any other vid where the child is the source

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    1. Hey Bio, thanks for the comment. Damien is a notable exception for sure. Loved the Omen flicks! I haven't seen the UFO Abduction/McPherson tape, but will have to check it out.

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  9. LOL! This is hilarious. The "camping is bad" is my favorite. I still get the chills thinking of The Blair Witch Project. Spooky!

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    1. Hi Emily! Camping was always bad for me, even when I was a Girl Scout LOL. I still get the chills about Blair Witch as well. :)

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  10. Loved these! I cringe everytime I see the victim running with (usually her) head turned, looking back over her shoulder! You already know you're being followed! Look where you're going so you don't inevitably trip and get eaten!

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    1. Thank you, Laura! You know those girls are going to get eaten/killed the instant they fall, but they keep on looking over their shoulder. I'm of the run like hell and never look back mind myself. :)

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  11. Well, what great tips. Glad I dropped by. I don't watch a lot of horror films because I shut my eyes all the time and don't see much, just listen to the screams! RFW is hosting a Halloween House of Horrors blogfest that promises some gory stories and poems. I prefer to read horror than to watch it, lol!

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    1. Hi Denise! Glad you enjoyed my little survival course here. Listening to the screams without seeing is worse, LOL. Can't wait to read some of those gory posts. ;)

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  12. I love how Cabin in in the Woods looks to deliberately break every one of these rules (except the phone/camera one - the found footage aspect of horror I think is too modern a convention to warrant satirising in the movie)

    Jamie

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    1. Cabin in the Woods is definitely a one of a kind classic. I loved every twist and turn, especially that all out ending. :)

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  13. Sheer Brilliance MB! Both of these posts are perfection! No sophomore slump here! These are so damn funny and so damn true! But you are working towards a world of chick flicks and Pixar movies...but I'll be laughing at these posts so hard I won't care!

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    1. Why thank you Craig! I knew you'd enjoy reading these. Pixar and chick flicks?! I despise both genres LOL.

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  14. I knew there was a reason why I hated camping!

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    1. LOL Camping really is horrible, isn't it? We were right about hating it.

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  15. Don't be a dick, except to assholes... or other dicks :-)

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    1. Absolutely! With others like that, be as a big a dick as you want. ;)

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  16. I found an old video tape of mine yesterday and couldn't get it to play. After reading your tips I should be glad.

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