Melissa's Horror Film Survival Rules that has been one of my most popular to date. It's a hilarious look at some of the conventions in horror films that drive me batshit crazy. In the spirit of my high holy holiday, Halloween, here is an addendum to the list...
Do Not Read From the Book Come on, you can't be bothered to read in school or any place else, why start with the decrepit tome you found in that creepy house/basement/attic? Nothing good comes from spouting off paragraphs written in a dead language.
Put Down the Smartphone/Camera Equipment and Run For the love of all things holy... Someone or something is trying to kill you, don't effing tape it, HAUL ASS! It's that freakin' simple. If you get hacked to pieces or possessed because you just had to film the monster/killer/ghost/demon, you deserve it!
Do Not Shop at Yard Sales There are only two things you'll get at yard sales: clutter and shit that will get you dead or turn you into a demon's meat suit. Go to Wal-mart if you need cheap. Nothing will kill you there except an out of control Hover Round chair
Stay Away From the Dolls All dolls are creepy, dead-eyed little bastards that will kill you as soon as they get the chance. Leave them alone, don't play with them, get them for your kid or stay in a room filled with them.
Graveyards are Not Party Rooms Let me repeat that for the stoopid peeps out there. Graveyards are Not Party Rooms. You'd think this would be self-explanatory, but no. If you grab a beer and a toke in Dead City, it's over, baby. O-V-E-R.
Stay on the Main Highway Backroads always mean trouble, that's a given. That's where the creepy people, you know the lunatic rednecks, psychotic motel proprietors and chainsaw wielding maniacs, reside. When was the last time someone chained you to a radiator at a Hardee's or McDonald's?
Camping is Bad Unless you are Girl Scout or a Boy Scout, camping is very bad. There is always some weirdo waiting to turn you into their bitch or their dinner or just kill your ass. Not to mention the monsters. So if your main squeeze says "Let's go camping." slap them until they see reason.
That Killer Ain't Dead A classic rule to be sure. Don't matter if he's riddled with bullets, has a machete buried in his melon, or has a spear in his gullet, that killer ain't dead til you cut off his head like a vampire. Then burn him for good measure. Many a horror film vic has survived only to be killed at the end because of failure to heed this rule.
Be Quiet! Screaming and crying will get you dead for the most part. Screaming as you run from the ax wielding psycho is not helpful. It drains your lung capacity, hurts your throat and is just annoying as hell. Plus, if you're trying to hide, it gives you away. So please, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Don't Be A Dick The assholes always get it the worst, so mind your douchebaggery. Not to mention someone like me will shove your ass in front of the zombie horde right quick you keep that shit up.
Found Footage Equals Trouble From that strange, label-less VHS tape to those old reels in the closet of your new house, found film means a whole heap of trouble from murder to demons. Don't watch! Throw them away, have a yard sale, but get RID of them.
Listen to the small fries. Kids know when shit is about to go south. Listen to them. They're the canaries in mineshaft, those demons, ghosts try to get them first. And we get our asses killed because we dismiss them. Pays to listen when your kid babbles, she's not always talking Sponge Bob. Now keep in mind that this rule applies only when you're not dealing with Creepy Little Kid with dead eyes.
Just another helpful list to get your through the scariest month on the calendar. Any ones I forgot about? Let me know, we can add them. ;)