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If you are not 18, please exit stage left. While there is normally nothing naughty here, I do write and review erotica so there are links to spicy stuff and the occasional heated excerpt.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Movies I Hate & Wish I'd Never Paid To See Part 3

Here we are at Number Three. I can't believe how many films I've lambasted this week so far. But I love the movies and there is no greater crime than paying to see one that is so bad. That's what cable TV is for. Today's selection, Numero Tres, is a godawful piece of tripe that really ruins the memory of certain historic events.

Pearl Harbor


Or How Michael Bay figured out how to cram as many cliches and tropes as possible into one film and still have billions of explosions. What we have is not one film, but three. There's the Battle of Britain, Pearl Harbor and Doolittle's Raid, none of which received the attention they deserved. Then we have this cliche to the core, chewy gooey love story.

Let me count the conventions here and I encourage you to check the plot summary to make sure I haven't missed something. One, best friends fall for same girl. Two, the friend who wins her gets killed. Three, the girl and surviving friend fall for one another and make beautiful luurve. Four, dead friend comes back right before big attack. Five, girl finds out she's preggers with friend's kid. Six, best buds fight, make up, then go on secret mission where father friend is killed. Seven, Lazarus returns to the woman and they raise the kid together, naming him after dead friend. Eight, and they all lived happily ever after. It's a drinking game, I tell you.

Furthermore, there wasn't an ounce of chemistry to be had among our three main characters to make this bullshit easier to swallow. Their manners and delivery were stiffer than frost covered grass and more awkward than a lumbering walrus. I found myself laughing uproariously during those painful, so-called love scenes. And someone please tell me what the eff was up with Josh and Kate banging in the parachutes? It was like watching shadow puppet theater. I pictured Pinnochio singing "I got no strings to hold me down..."

Man, every time I think about the fact that I paid to see this load of crap, I want to pluck out my eyes with tweezers. I even had margaritas before I saw this and not even good tequila could make this mess look good.

30 comments:

  1. Yeah, this was a real stinker of a movie. I think of Event Horizon as a real crapper of a flick. It promised so much. A terrific plot. Great cast. Wormholes. Yet somehow, as if defying the very laws of physics, it sucked!

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  2. @Stephen I hated Event Horizon as well. A definite promise that was broken. I get an eye tick when I remember going to see that.

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  3. Haven't seen "Pearl Harbor", and now I'm glad I didn't have the chance :)

    "and not even good tequila could make this mess look good." - LOL. Mel, I love your sarcasm. :)

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  4. I find most movies, like this one, aren't worth seeing. I'm here because I enjoyed your interview on Jeffrey's blog. Your writing is steamy and you have a good sense of humor. Great combination!
    Cheers,
    Robyn

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  5. Saw thin one on TV, the only thing good about it were the cute guys in uniforms :)

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  6. Lol now that you mention it...

    ;-P

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  7. I didn't see this one, sounds like I made the right decision.

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  8. And cable plays it over and over again. :( Great interview by the way. :)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

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  9. So Melissa, did you like this movie or not? Just kidding, stop throwing those tomatoes at me =)
    I hated it too, by the way.

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  10. oooh, I totally agree on this one, Melsy. I generally can't stand American crap about their glorious army forces and similar. I've seen too many kids and people die around me from their bombs to have any respect to their evil deeds and to their horrible political propaganda in movies.

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  11. I love the song in this movie.. Faith Hill.. it reminded me of my husband's demise..

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  12. Once again, I love it. Honestly, I saw it, and I still don't remember it. All I remember were the explosions, the end. And that, as you said, the chemistry was godawful. Here's the thing directors have to learn: I know you think this one will be the gold at the end of the rainbow because you've shoved as many clich├ęs in it as you can and 50 year old moms love that crap, right? But your actors are not going to have any fun playing it, it's going to show, and the audience members are going to stab out their eyes. I'm looking at you too, Water For Elephants.

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  13. @Nebular George, hon, be ever so glad you spared yourself this horrid crap. The snark just spewed when I was writing this and I had to actually dial it back.;)

    @Rawknrobyn Hello and welcome! Thanks for the comment and the follow. I love that you enjoy my rather twisted sense of humor and snark. And thank you for the comment of Jeffrey's blog. I had so much fun with that post.

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  14. @Siv Yes the male deliciousness in those uniforms was the only redeeming factor in this. ;)

    @Misha I was inspired because I had seen this movie running on AMC for like 8 billionth time this weekend.

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  15. @Ricky, a very wise decision on your part. I could have bought another pitcher of margaritas for the ticket price. LOL

    @Jules Cable plays this one to death. Every time I turn on a certain channel, this flick is coming on, going off or somewhere in the middle. If only they would run the good movies half so much.

    Glad you liked my little piece over at Jeffrey's. I had a hellagood time writing it.

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  16. Haha, hilarious. This movie, sadly, was a total bore. Given it's historical, but delicate subject matter, that shouldn't have been the case. As we know, Bay unleashes his signature carnage and mayhem, then throws in some atrocious cliches, and the audience is supposed to eat it up. The only problem: we throw it up. Total diarrhea of the mouth.

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  17. @Giggles LMAO My family is always telling me that I don't make myself clear enough. I'll have to work on that. ;) It does my heart good that you're a fellow hater with this. I'll put the tomatoes away right now.

    @Dez War pictures have their place and I really, really can't stand the ones that glorify it. Your country has seem some really nightmarish things. I can only imagine the pain you all went through and are still reminded of. I love reading your perspective on films like this. Hugs, my friend. I'm so very glad we hooked up.

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  18. @reanaclaire The song was totally beautiful and the best thing about this film. I'm so sorry you lost your husband. Thank you so much for sharing in your comment. I hope you return for more visits.

    @M Wise words to the directorial suits out there. I hate when they take conventions and do them up so badly I want to run out and strangle the dude at the ticket counter who told me to enjoy my movie.

    Water for Elephants was that bad, huh? Glad I spared myself the torture. My eyes haven't quite recovered from this and Green Hornet.

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  19. @Matt "Total diarrhea of the mouth" LMAO! Too true. Between Michael Bay and Nicholas Sparks, it's no wonder we are drowning in cliches. Honestly, I don't think the two of them ever had an original thought.

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  20. All I could think about during the love scene was the cement floor they were doing it on and how it had to hurt.
    Nancy
    N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium

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  21. Propaganda?
    No, this was a cheesy Titanic-style ripoff and a really awful movie. There are about a thousand better war movies than this one. Shame such a pivotal event in American history was given a love-triangle treatment.

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  22. @N.R. Nancy, that was probably why their movements looked so terrible. ;)

    @Alex A Titanic-style rip-off, oh hell to the yeah. I think Michael Bay just wanted to shoot his own porn with explosions and menage. This was all they would allow him. No justice was done to three very important events of WWII.

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  23. I foolishly watched this movie as the new Millennium ticked over (I was only 12, so there wasn't much in the way of partying to be done). I want those 3 hours of my life back!!

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  24. @Jamie LOL I don't blame you in the least for wanting those hours back. I want mine back, too, When I think of all I could have done with that money I spent seeing it. Why I could have purchased another pitcher of margaritas.

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  25. Horrible, HORRIBLE movie. I enjoyed a few of the war scenes - everything else was just crap, especially the lame acting.
    Oh Michael Bay, you destroyer of modern cinema

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  26. But wait, there's more. Have you ever peeked into the cockpit of a P-40 Warhawk?
    The movie had Josh and Kate lounging comfortably in one and soaring across a sunset. It is simply not possible. It may seem minor when compared to the plot failings, but it is so technically and historically wrong it hurts.

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  27. @Munk Hi there. I did not know that about the Warhawk interior. Thanks for sharing. "...so technically and historically wrong it hurts." Absolutely!

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  28. Fantastic! I wholeheartedly agree with you on this one. Just popped over from Dez' and anxious to know have you also trashed Armageddon? Have you? Have you?

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  29. Melissa, your plot summary with the luurve made me spit my water. lol I have never seen this movie and will avoid it.

    I hated, HATED, Jurassic Park II. Had none of the majic of #1. I wanted my money back.

    2012 sucked, too. They'd let you finally like someone then kill them. Thank goodness we didn't go to the theater for that one. The commercials alone ... it was too unreal. If the world is crumbling, where the hell are you going to drive to? I just didn't get that part. And I want to forget the other parts. It pissed me off.

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  30. @Michael Hi and welcome. I'm so happy you dropped by from Dez's site. he's awesome. I have not yet trashed Armageddon, but it is on my list. When I get to it, I will dedicate it to you. :) Thank you so much for the follow.

    @MPax It makes my day to know I made you spit out your water. :) I love it when my sarcasm can bring others joy. Jurassic II and 2012 sure were stinkers. I am ever so glad I spared myself the expense and watched them for free via my friend's Netflix choices. But now I wish I could get my time back, too. LOL

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