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If you are not 18, please exit stage left. While there is normally nothing naughty here, I do write and review erotica so there are links to spicy stuff and the occasional heated excerpt.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Movies I Hate &Wish I'd Never Paid To See Part 2

Since we're talking bad movies today, check out my review for The Rite. It's not pretty, just like this movie here.

Yes, it's time for another addition to my infamous hit list. Today's entry is straight out of WTF land.

The Village


This is one of the worst celluloid crimes ever perpetrated on humanity. A story one thinks up after downing a cocktail of liquid cold medicine and vodka followed by an Alaska-sized bong chaser.

I want to change my name and flee to parts unknown whenever I think about the fact that I actually paid to see this. Man, I just bent right the hell over for this giant screw of a movie.

People who couldn't handle their real lives, set up a utopian village in the middle of a rich guy's estate. Seriously? Then, they erect a wall around their little colonial resort, telling their kids horrible monsters will eat them if they go beyond the boundaries. Are you effing kidding me? And apparently this guy is so rich, he pays the FAA to keep planes from flying over the village so the kids will think it really is 200 years ago. Oh. My. Freaking. GOD!!!

Then we have the scintillating performances of Bryce Dallas Howard, Joaquin Phoenix, Adrien Brody, William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver. Oscar winners and nominees. Apparently all the King's men and all the King's horses could not make M. Night's movie believable.

Talk about stoopid to the Tenth Power and yes, I did spell it with two O's. That's how fucktarded this movie is and how unintelligent I was for paying to see it.

27 comments:

  1. "I want to change my name and flee to parts unknown whenever I think about the fact that I actually paid to see this." HAHAHA! Excellent. Excellent movie bashing skills! I don't hate M. Night Shyamalan like most do, The Sixth Sense fucking kills and I even had a lot of fun with Signs. But this is definitely my least favorite of his movies. I have a pretty good memory when it comes to movies, usually I can see a film once and remember the smallest details. But I honestly can't even remember what this movie was fucking about. All I remember was something about a chick in a red cape. The rest I think I must've purposefully blocked out.

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  2. I read you "Rite" review and I f**kin' loved it! :)

    Well, I didn't hate "The Village", but I thought the STUPID ending completely ruined the rest of the movie. Overall, I found it bizarre and pointless, but somewhat intriguing. Thankfully, I didn't pay a thing to see it.

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  3. The weird thing about the Village is that the twist idea on its own is pretty cool, but when woven into the fabric of the rest of the movie it completely alters the tone and spoils the atmosphere of it. This is Shayalamans start of the downward spiral for me. Sixth Sense and Unbreakable were both awesome, but I think he starting relying more on the twist than the substance of the movie itself.

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  4. Before blockbusters were good cinema is to a certain taste. Now only look at the collection. Now the good movies have been poorly marketed because they are more profitable nonsense.

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  5. Never bought the premise of that film. Like a plane would NEVER fly over, right?

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  6. i actually liked the premise of this story. But the way it was done was poor. I wanted to rewrite the whole thing for him and tell him how to do it better.

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  7. Let me see if I got this right.
    You didn't like the movie. Paid good money not to like it and yet stayed for the whole thing. Yeah, me too.
    LOL

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  8. 'Paid good money not to like it and yet stayed for the whole thing.'

    LOL! I've done that, too.

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  9. i'm actually a HUGE shyamalan fan. big, big, fan. and i LOVED this movie!!!... until... the end... the end just spoiled the rest of it. i completely ditto jaimie's comment!

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  10. Haha, just an awesome post. You shall wield your fantastical movie bashing wit more often.

    I was befuddled, confounded, perturbed, and every other negatively inspired verb one can muster, by this film. And I completely agree with Jaime. This film marked the dramatic downward spiral for Shyamalan's career (I enjoyed The Sixth Sense and thought Unbreakable was solid). Since the release of this film, Shyamalan has been a completely different director; one's whose film's I no longer enjoy. Perhaps, in some retro-psychic scenario, your tirade crushed the spirits of Shyamalan (or at least, the many critics at the time who eviscerated this film).

    Ironically, I still hope Shyamalan can make another engaging film. I don't wish ill-will on anyone who gives it their all.

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  11. I tried watching both VILLAGE and LADY IN THE WATER a few times and it never worked, both are just plain boring!

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  12. LOL, Melissa. I so have to agree. That movie was tuurrible (yes, I spelled terrible with two U's in honor of your creativity)!!! =D

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  13. Can't agree more with your review, Mel! And as Mr. Dezzyville said, the film was just plain boring that made its audience snore while watching it :)

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  14. @M I wonder if movie bashing qualifies as a skill for a resume. LOL I love Shyamalan, too and I wish he would get back to his Sixth Sense days. I had a hellagood time watching Signs, but I don't know the eff happened here...

    @Nebular Sweetie, I am so jealous that you did not have to pay to see this. I'm still waiting for them to return my ticket price. :)

    I'm happy you enjoyed my review of The Rite. Unfortunately, it was a stinker, too, for me. But at least I did have to spend my hard-earned money. LOL

    @Jamie You are so right about this being the start of Shyamalan's downward spiral. And I agree, too, that the twist for him has become way more important than the actual film. Maybe he should have someone else write the screenplay, then have at the twist instead of concocting the whole thing himself.

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  15. @Leovi Oh yeah, I absolutely agree. Blockbusters are not the same anymore. They appear to spend more time developing the marketing scheme than they do the script and the whole thing suffers. And good movies that aren't as huge get lost in the shuffle.

    @Alex I know, right? How do you stop jet planes from flying over? This whole thing was just weird from the get go and made no sense. I had been expecting so much more from M. Night.

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  16. @Pk Now you would have done an awesome job. I think maybe he should hire you to script his next film. :) I agree that the premise started off good, but when you add in the twist and the other odd elements, it definitely becomes a Stinkerville resident.

    @Giggles Mary, when you put it like that, I'm left LMAO. I stayed because I'm just that masochistic and I kept hoping that it wasn't real. That soon the true movie would begin. Boy, was I ever wrong. :)

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  17. @Julia Mary certainly hit the nail on the head didn't she? As you can tell, I absolutely HATE paying for a movie that turns out so bad. I can watch the SyFy channel at home for free. Well, at least at a considerably reduced price since I do pay for cable. LOL

    @aspiring Vics, you know that ending is just what sealed the fate of this movie. I love M Night and wish he would do some more stuff on par with Sixth Sense and Signs, two stellar flicks. I'd gladly pay then. :)

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  18. @Matt I love that you make my movie bashing sound like a superpower. Wonder what my hero name would be?

    Yeah, this film completely altered the direction of Shyamalan's work. It's like he became a totally different director. From this point on , his films have all been awful. I keep hoping and rooting for him to return to his Unbreakable and Sixth Sense days. I would love for him to have more hits because he so talented, when he's not doing stuff like this.

    @Dezz You are absolutely right. Lady in White was a huge snore fest and applaud you for making the effort to see it more than once. I haven't found the strength to finish the DVD. Hell, I tip my hat to you for trying to watch this steaming pile more than once. If I hadn't been a captive audience and stupified by the jaw-dropping plot, I would have fallen asleep, too.

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  19. @RaShelle Awww.. thanks for the two u love. I'm so glad you agree. I was tempted to sue for pain and suffering after I saw this. :)

    @Jaccstev Thank you! I think falling asleep during this would have been a mercy. Now I'm left with the awful memories and the desire to put out my eyes whenever I think about it. LOL

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  20. Hehe. Mr. G loves this film. I hated it, for all the reasons you mention above. Mind you, this isn't the worst film Shyamalan made us suffer through - Signs is the winner in of that category.

    Ellie Garratt

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  21. Totally agree with you on this one. What a shame too because I wanted to like it. I just love reading these reviews of yours. your sarcastic humor always makes me chuckle.

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  22. I have not seen that movie, should be interesting.
    wish you a happy weekend.
    a kiss.

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  23. I have not had the pleasure, but enjoy stoopid movies. Is it bad stoopid in a fun way or just bad? If it's the first, I'm all over it. lol Yes, I have a problem. Like since they cancelled the new Wonder Woman for being so bad they aren't going to make it, I want to see it now. Just how bad? I'm curious.

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  24. @Ellie You're right I call this the worst because it was the one I paid to see. Man, do I ever want my money back.

    @Siv I wanted to like this one, too. And I'm so happy you like skewering skills. I only use my power for good times, though. :)

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  25. @Ricardo I wish you a happy weekend as well, my friend. Avoid this movie until you have sufficient quantities of goodies to drown out the awfulness, though.

    @MPax This is stoopid in a very bad way. I think margaritas might make a difference in the viewing. I was stone sober with no chocolate in sight. That may have contributed to my misery. :)

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  26. call me nuts but I totally love this movie. Never really understood all the hate it got.

    Sure, there's plenty of illogical stuff in here but if you ignore it, you end up with a well-written/well-paced kinda-horror-flick full of brilliant-looking settings, loads of atmosphere and suspense, terrific actors and a couple of scenes that scared the shit outta me.

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