Friday, July 15, 2011
Thank You And What Inspires The Snark In Me
Now onto with the show. :)
You all know I love to write humor, especially those rants, but I also have a certain twisted, snarkiness that permeates my stories as well. I can't help myself. When I give an interview, one question I get is where I find my inspiration for those bitter, snarky words. I find it all over as I do have a certain demented outlook, but most of the time it comes to me through people and their foibles. Oh what a treasure trove the stupidity and general dumbassedness (is that even a word?) of people can be. You know exactly what I am talking about, too. It's enough to make me want to carry a purseful of little bottles of alcohol everywhere. That or write enough novels to incorporate each and every incident.
A major source of human stupidity comes from the Trenches aka Customer Service and Retail. I have worked on and off in this illustrious field for 17 years and have encountered some of the smallest minds and lowest IQ's anywhere on the planet. Here, I sharpened not only my sense of humor, but gained lots of insights into people's behaviors.
One popular saying in this industry is The Customer Is Always Right. Except when they want you to take back a book they bought 5 years ago because they don't like it anymore. Complete with various Cheetoh stains, grease marks, boogers and a smashed spider on page 29.
I especially love it when they want you read their minds and help them find a thing for their thing that you know fits in the little black thing. And it makes kind of a shushing, squealy sound. This lady actually gave me a one woman show complete with noises and wild hand gestures.
The power of a good education sums up this guy.
Customer:"Miss, I need a travel book."
Me:"Sure. Where are you going?"
Customer:"Well I'm taking the wife to this beach resort. It's called San Something and it's in California. You know the southern part that's in Mexico."
Me:"You mean Baja California?"
Customer:"No. Where's that?"
Spare me the uneducated, yet socially conscious shopper
Customer:"Miss, can I see your leather wallets?"
Me: "Absolutely. Do you have a style preference?"
Customer: "Yes. I'd like to see only the ones that were not made by five year old slaves in China."
I pulled out several and assured him that they were made by only the most coordinated of four year olds who had been paid very well. I didn't last long there.
Working the reception desk at law firms has also provided me with some excellent material.
Caller: "Yeah I need to speak to my lawyer."
Me: "What is the attorney's name, sir."
Caller: "I don't know. It's the guy with brown hair and glasses."
Me: "Sir, you are aware that we have 400 lawyers here and that description fits approximately 220 of them. Do you have a case number?"
Caller: "What the fuck is that?"
Me: "Uh, the ID number right below your name on the letter."
Caller: "You mean I was supposed to hold on to that thing?"
Attorneys are by no means smarter than the average bear either.
"Melissa, can you come to the copy room?"
"Sure Mr. S^&* What's the problem?"
"Which of these is the copy machine and how do I turn it on?"
Oh I could go on and on, but I think you more than get the point. People are just grand aren't they? My father used to tell me the masses are asses. And he was right.