Come on and join author Melissa Bradley as she sets off on her latest adventure...


If you are not 18, please exit stage left. While there is normally nothing naughty here, I do write and review erotica so there are links to spicy stuff and the occasional heated excerpt.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Thank You And What Inspires The Snark In Me

First I want to thank you all for the truly awesome comments here. I'm sorry I've been out it. I had a wedding and family coming into town this past week. I love you guys and would be just rambling on alone in cyberspace without you.

Now onto with the show. :)

You all know I love to write humor, especially those rants, but I also have a certain twisted, snarkiness that permeates my stories as well. I can't help myself. When I give an interview, one question I get is where I find my inspiration for those bitter, snarky words. I find it all over as I do have a certain demented outlook, but most of the time it comes to me through people and their foibles. Oh what a treasure trove the stupidity and general dumbassedness (is that even a word?) of people can be. You know exactly what I am talking about, too. It's enough to make me want to carry a purseful of little bottles of alcohol everywhere. That or write enough novels to incorporate each and every incident.

A major source of human stupidity comes from the Trenches aka Customer Service and Retail. I have worked on and off in this illustrious field for 17 years and have encountered some of the smallest minds and lowest IQ's anywhere on the planet. Here, I sharpened not only my sense of humor, but gained lots of insights into people's behaviors.

One popular saying in this industry is The Customer Is Always Right. Except when they want you to take back a book they bought 5 years ago because they don't like it anymore. Complete with various Cheetoh stains, grease marks, boogers and a smashed spider on page 29.

I especially love it when they want you read their minds and help them find a thing for their thing that you know fits in the little black thing. And it makes kind of a shushing, squealy sound. This lady actually gave me a one woman show complete with noises and wild hand gestures.

The power of a good education sums up this guy.

Customer:"Miss, I need a travel book."
Me:"Sure. Where are you going?"
Customer:"Well I'm taking the wife to this beach resort. It's called San Something and it's in California. You know the southern part that's in Mexico."
Me:"You mean Baja California?"
Customer:"No. Where's that?"

Spare me the uneducated, yet socially conscious shopper

Customer:"Miss, can I see your leather wallets?"
Me: "Absolutely. Do you have a style preference?"
Customer: "Yes. I'd like to see only the ones that were not made by five year old slaves in China."
I pulled out several and assured him that they were made by only the most coordinated of four year olds who had been paid very well. I didn't last long there.

Working the reception desk at law firms has also provided me with some excellent material.

Caller: "Yeah I need to speak to my lawyer."
Me: "What is the attorney's name, sir."
Caller: "I don't know. It's the guy with brown hair and glasses."
Me: "Sir, you are aware that we have 400 lawyers here and that description fits approximately 220 of them. Do you have a case number?"
Caller: "What the fuck is that?"
Me: "Uh, the ID number right below your name on the letter."
Caller: "You mean I was supposed to hold on to that thing?"

Attorneys are by no means smarter than the average bear either.

"Melissa, can you come to the copy room?"
"Sure Mr. S^&* What's the problem?"
"Which of these is the copy machine and how do I turn it on?"

Oh I could go on and on, but I think you more than get the point. People are just grand aren't they? My father used to tell me the masses are asses. And he was right.


  1. Those are awesome! And dumbassedness IS a word. You'll find it in action when people get behind the steering wheel as well.

  2. Why wasn't I invited to the wedding? :)
    And I hoping no lawyers are reading your post :)

  3. OMGah I can relate! I worked customer service for YEARS! I especially liked the people who would call me when I worked tech support for a couple of different computer places.
    First of all, don't ever piss off the person in the customer service part who has the control to reset your online password because someone in your family went against the terms of service.
    And my all time favorite: "It's telling me to press 'any key'."
    "Then hit ANY key."
    "Well.... where IS it?"

  4. Haha, I love your snarky attitude. And your wit, especially. Don't let small minds ever discourage you because you are a wonderful, smart woman :)

  5. As a retail vet myself - I love your responses to the all-too-common dumbassery to be found in the day to day. To borrow a cliche - YOU GO GIRL!

  6. haha, hilarious post. You made my day!!

  7. LMAO, I so love your snarkiness, makes me feel sane. FYI Architects are right there with Lawyers. :)

    Have a great weekend.
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  8. Oh, my. I can't stop laughing. Thank you for cheering me up!

    Ellie Garratt

  9. @Alex I'm so glad it's real word. :) And behind the wheel is definitely another place I've experienced this.

    @Dez You would have made an excellent wedding date. :) If lawyers are reading, I hope they learn something. ;))

    @Caledonia LMAO I LOVE that any key story. That made my night. ;) People just don't think when they crack off on you. When I'm on with tech support, etc. I just try to be as polite as possible and even joke around. I know the power they wield, but some people just have a disconnect between action and thought I think.

  10. @Matt Aww thank you so much!! I needed to hear that after some of the crap that went on this week. It seems like I'm forever engaging in a war of wits with unarmed individuals. ;)

    @Craig One of my fave sayings! We retail vets have to stick together.

    @Maynard Thanks! I'm happy to be of service in the laughter department. :)

  11. @Jules Architects, eh? I'll have to remember that. I'm glad my snark makes you smile. It keeps me sane too as I walk amongst the dumbasses out there.

    @Ellie Aww.. I'm so happy I cheered you up. Hope everything is okay. :)

  12. Hi Melissa,

    Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh. People are weird. And funny. And irritating. :>)

    Kathy M.

  13. I love it. I've had similar experiences with the uneducated masses. I worked in a video game store a few years back and I had a woman try to return a game (after about 3 months) because her kid didn't like it. I explained that you can't return a game because you didn't like it, and so she took the number of the game publisher and wanted to sue them because 'if they knew they were making a bad game then they shouldn't allow it to be sold'. People can be stupid :P

  14. @Oregon Kathy I'm so glad you enjoyed my snarky misadventures. I love making people laugh and smile.

    @Jamie LOL That game lady...People amaze me with the depth of their ignorance and dumbassery.

  15. Melissa-- For those of us who have ever answered phones, we can certainly relate. My favorite was when people would misdial the company I worked for and think they were calling the cable company. When I told them that this was not the cable company they got irrate. Sometimes they would be full on in their "you turned off my cable" spiel.

    My all-time favorite was when someone called thinking it was a rental office (which it was not). I tried to tell them that you have the wrong number. Not believing me they had someone else call.

  16. @msmariah That is hilarious!! It's so true that people just start yammering on before you even finish the first syllable of greeting. I had a guy start place a pizza order with me. When I told him that this the wrong number, he just kept right on talking. so I interrupted him and informed him that we did not deliver until after 11 AM, but he was perfectly welcome to pick his order up.

  17. Dipshits are possibly the most entertain species of human that exist on this earth. The "guy with brown hair and glasses" comment cracked me up. Reality is sometimes so much more frightening than fiction. I heard a couple similar gems from a dude who worked on a cruise boat. During his time there, he got some amazing comments like "do these stairs go up?" and "how many sunset cruises a day to you do?" Ah, sometimes I really have zero faith in the human race.

  18. @M People are so awesome sometimes. I love that how many sunset cruises story. It's like the lady who asked me what time midnight mass started. Comedian Bill Engvall had it right. Some people really do need signs to let others know just how dumb they are before they even waste your time.


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