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Come on and join author Melissa Bradley as she sets off on her latest adventure...

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If you are not 18, please exit stage left. While there is normally nothing naughty here, I do write and review erotica so there are links to spicy stuff and the occasional heated excerpt.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

How To Survive A Heat Wave

My fat rear end has been roasting of late, so I have collected many a tip for fighting the heat, keeping your cool and some other etiquette tips to keep you and others from going homicidal.

1. Plastic kiddie pools  make great ice baths and beer holders. Fill that ancient kiddie pool in the garage with some bags of ice, put in beer and let chill. When the ice becomes water and the drinks are gone, you have a great cold foot bath.

2. On your walk, hit every sprinkler on the route. I have a six block walk to my bus. There are 23 homes that run their sprinklers in the morning. I hit every one on the way to work. It's so hot, i'm dry by the time I get to the office. There are 18 more that run them on the trip back to my house at night.

3. Ice Cream, popsicles and other frozen treats have no calories or fat at this time. As soon as you eat it, you sweat it off on one walk around the block.

4. Illegal, but fun...Open fire hydrants.

5. Use movie coupons and spend as much time in the theater as possible. In this heat, I'll even pay to watch Nicholas Sparks films and/or Twilight. I'm paying for a nap, but in this heat, who cares?

6. Libraries are free places to cool off and read a few good books in the process.

7. Use deodorant at least twice a day. People, we are in close quarters on the bus, I do not want to smell you from downtown to the South Side. If I do, I will cut you.

8. Yeah, heat means less clothes, but if I have to see your sweaty, sunburned  beer gut, I will cut you. Same goes for those size 700 tube tops.

9. Take that thong bikini off your three year old. It's nasty, not cute.

10. SPF 45 works very well for those of us whom the sun does not like very much. I'm what my dad called fish belly white and only burn and peel. Even my Lakota genes are not enough to overcome the overabundance of Lithuanian, German and Irish in me.

11. Fans...Lots and lots of fans. I'm particularly fond of the little ones that mist water. 

So how do you beat the heat? Any good tips?

31 comments:

  1. Even a Nicholas Sparks movie - now that gave me a laugh this morning! And I can see you hitting all the sprinklers just like a little kid.

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    1. When I am desperate, I will endure. :) Glad you got a laugh... That's important on Monday mornings.

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  2. LOL. Some of those tips are hilarious and the others are clever. Combine clever and fun and you'll get Melissa Bradley. ;)

    "Even my Lakota genes are not enough to overcome the overabundance of Lithuanian, German and Irish in me." - What the heck? :) Please, explain. I got curious. :)

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    1. Aww... Thanks! To explain my Lakota comment. I am part Lakota, which is a Native American tribe. And all my family members seem to tan very well because of those genes. Me, never. I got my great grandmother's high cheekbones instead.

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    2. Mel, in fact I was more curious about Lithuanian/German/Irish genes. I had NO idea.

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  3. ooohhh the heat... i am hiding under the bed! sad thing is i am not alone.

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    1. Not alone under the bed? That is scary! :)

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  4. you keep beer for the guests in a foot bath, sister? :PPP Remind me to ask for a straw when you give me a can of coke LOL
    Wonder what do you use for cutting people, Melsy, you seem to do it on frequent basis :PPP

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    1. Hey all the drinks are gone before it turns into a foot bath. ;P And I have a selection of small knives I use for cutting. Easy to carry and conceal. ;)

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  5. "if I have to see your sweaty, sunburned beer gut, I will cut you" - LOL!

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  6. Finally, the spell is broken today. We had over 100+ four two weeks straight. It finally rained last night, and today is ONLY supposed to be 91. Sad that 90+ feels good, isn't it?

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    1. OMG this weather has been just terrible. You know 90 being cool is like in the winter when that string of below zero days is warmed by a 0.

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  7. What a wonderful post! Several belly laughs tucked into this one. Keep that knife handy - sounds like you might need it!

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    1. Why thank you! It makes me happy to know you got several big laughs out of this. You know I meant every syllable. LOL When I go off...

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  8. Melissa, great tips. Libraries are great free places to hang out. The down side? They're great free places to hang out. There's a higher than average number of weirdos in there.

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    1. I know! Man, I had a guy in the library this week who kept scratching himself in places that shall remain unmentionable all while talking to something he picked from his nose. Blech!

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  9. Good call on the 700 lb. tube top and the kiddie thong...these two are probably from the same gene pool (the shallow end, no less).
    So, the blade sound good, you don't mind though if I go straight for the small calibre hand gun, eh...I'm not much on bloody messes...just sayin'

    With smiles, Jenny

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    1. LMAO! The shallow end!

      A small calibre handgun is fine by me. A 22 will work just as well as a small blade. :)

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  10. LMAO! Great advice. Fire hydrants are instruments of survival even when the actual fire is the burning hot sun. Those who've grown up in smoldering cities could attest. Heck, even suburbia is known to unleash the tsunamic burst of a hydrant every now and then.

    Now, please excuse me as I go help myself to some ice cream.

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    1. Thank you, my friend. There is nothing like the gush of cold water from the hydrant, I swear. Between that, my sprinkler and the Y, I kept pretty cool as a kid in the city.

      Yes. Go have that ice cream... a healthy treat in this heat. :)

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  11. They were all great, but tip 8 was hilarious. I beat the heat by staying on Orange County, near the beach where it's 70-80 almost all the time. I can complain about the traffic, but I can't complain about the weather. My parents are in Tucson where it's like 110 right now. That would probably kill me. I need an ice cream just thinking about it. Actually, I don't need an excuse for ice cream. :)

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    1. I'm not much on beaches when it's hot, something about the sun and my tendency to burn, but I sure like those temps and the breeze off the water. ;) 110 is insane, I would die. LOL

      And I don't need excuse for ice cream, I just make one up to make myself feel better.

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  12. LOL I'd do #4

    Aw c'mon, is it really that hot to watch Nicholas Sparks movies? or Twilight movies??? no, it can't be that hot to waste your money on crap like that :-D

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    1. #4 is so much fun. The water pressure is excellent! Ans somehow I knew you would totally be up for the illegal. ;)

      Hey now, i said I would take a nap during Sparks, not actually watch it. LOL

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    2. LOL is it even possible to take a nap during Sparks? I mean, all the Sparks-shit is so fuckin' annoying, I guess it will make you mad and angry but not tired :D

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  13. Can I second the deodorant. Ugh! I ended up going to Florida on vacation, what was I thinking. Oh, wait, it is actually cooler here. That is so weird.

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  14. Nice tips Melissa. It's also hot here in the tropical island ;)

    I really agree with this one:
    9. Take that thong bikini off your three year old. It's nasty, not cute << kids should dress like kids ;)

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  15. Happy IWSG. You're going to shoot me, but we live on a lake and it's so hot I have no energy to walk down to the water. I know, that's disgusting!

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  16. Great, chill post, Melissa. You covered ice-cream so I have no add-ons. I just thank you kindly for #s 7 through 9.

    Be well, sweet lady.
    xoRobyn

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  17. Terrific post. I've been using all those ideas. Our air-conditioner broke down nearly three weeks ago and we're still waiting for someone to fix it. It's been horrible. Another thing I do regularly is take cold showers. Helps a lot.

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