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If you are not 18, please exit stage left. While there is normally nothing naughty here, I do write and review erotica so there are links to spicy stuff and the occasional heated excerpt.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Worst Movies Ever Blogfest

Captain Ninja Alex J. Cavanaugh has compelled we in the Blogosphere to list our Worst Movies Ever. These are the movies that just stunk up the theater and made me want to demand my money back. They made me want to bleach my brain, gouge out my eyes and bemoan the loss of those hours from my life. They made me say "I can't believe I paid to sit through this shit." They also made me wish wholeheartedly that I had seen them with Joel, Mike and the Bots from Mystery Science Theater.

Here, in no particular order, are some of my... Worst Movies Ever. (I think I need an echo machine for dramatic effect.)



Jeepers Creepers (2001) Total rip off. You start with the typical dumbass brother and sister college students on a lonely road because no one drives the interstates anymore. Also, I really don't know what makes Hollywood think that America's highways and byways are ever deserted. I digress. So they spy a guy dumping bodies and simply HAVE to investigate. All the makings of a great cheesy serial killer epic. Then...THEN this guy turns out to be a winged monster. WTFH? You have got to be freakin' kidding me.


Twilight (2008) From the bad acting, which was stiffer than frozen spaghetti, to the stilted dialogue to the utterly crazed vampire mythos...here they can walk around in the daytime and sparkle in the sun...this is one hot mess of a movie. Seriously, it stretches the bonds of believability. Riddle me this, why would anyone who's rich and looks eternally 17 choose to go to high school over and over and over and over. And wouldn't he be considered a pedophile?


The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008) Talk about the most useless sequel ever and absolutely no chemistry between the actors. And why would an egyptologist search for mummies in China to begin with? I was so goddamned bored in this movie that I walked out and snuck into The Dark Knight, which I had already seen three times.


Paranormal Activity (2007) I know this was an indie with no budget, but come the fuck on. We get this self-absorbed couple, Katie and Micah, a pair of white bread yuppies who, when shit starts happening in their house,just gotta put it on video. Fine, I get that. But then whole movie centers on time-elapsed drooling and staring from Katie and off camera noises that wouldn't scare a toddler. The big ending comes when"demon" Katie kills Micah, again off-camera, then it takes her hours and hours to drag his body up the stairs (My fat ass takes less time) where she pitches it like a fastball at the tripod, which miraculously stays upright. Finally, Katie crawls over to the camera and makes a constipated face. The End. I laughed and laughed through this entire movie. And Oren Peli had a nerve to sic two more on the world.


Over the Top (1987) An arm-wrestling movie, seriously? WTF! Struggling trucker Stallone tried to win his estranged son's affection by entering the national arm-wrestling championships in Las Vegas. Because you know family problems can all be solved with a bit of hand to hand tango on a table in a casino. Who got paid for this shit?


Sleepwalkers (1992) Shape shifters come to town because they need a virgin to feed on in order to keep their powers. Yeah, cuz you know those untouched women work just like a pack of D batteries. And I thought Duracell was the best.


The Prince of Darkness (1987) Of all the forms the Devil could take, green goo was not one I'd ever imagined. A cylinder of green slime is found in a Los Angeles church where it is discovered that this is the essence of Satan. What the eff, John Carpenter? I waited for a seriously cool monster and all I got was a tub of salsa verde. I survived babysitting the Gojnar monsters, er boys, for this piece of shit. Oh my God, pissed does not even begin to describe my mood upon leaving the theater.


Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) The plot for this is so effing stupid, it deserves to be called STOOPID. An insane toymaker hatches an evil scheme to kill millions of children by using a stolen boulder from Stonehenge and putting something in their Halloween masks. A stolen boulder? WTH? Kim Kardashian's popularity makes more sense. And precisely why this was named as part of the Michael Myers franchise is beyond me.


Roller Boogie (1979) It's the Exorcist meets Studio 54...I'm kidding. Linda Blair stars in this whacked out film about skaters who band together to keep their roller disco open. Boo Hoo... tear that piece of shit down, I say. I could only watch and wish that Linda's head would have started spinning and spewing pea soup.


Star Wars: Phantom Menace, Clone Wars and Revenge of the Sith I am stating unequivocally that there is only one Star Wars trilogy and it features Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia and Han Solo. I don't give a rat's ass what any one else thinks. This prequel trilogy of self-indulgent, badly written films with the worst acting ever is total bull shit and tarnishes the legacy. Hayden Christensen is horrendous and he utterly ruined Darth Vader. There is no fucking way the most awesome villain in the universe sprang from that wooden-headed brat. George Lucas, you greedy asshole, you fucked with your own mythology and ruined my childhood memories. Damn you!

Deep breath. Rage has been contained. Hope you enjoyed this look at some of the craptacular flicks I've tortured myself with over the years. And to think each one of these was released in theaters, none were direct to DVD Syfy Z Grades. Yikes!

60 comments:

  1. I never saw any of the Twilight movies, but I love that you said "the bad acting was stiffer than frozen spaghetti!" As for Paranormal Activity, the preview alone made me too nauseous to even consider seeing it. Nice to meet you through the blogfest! Julie

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  2. Yes, Damn you, Lucas! Roller Boogie - glad I missed that one. And I thought the Twilight movies were bad as well.
    Thanks for participating in the blogfest!
    Now, pass the bleach...

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  3. Ha ha ha, the only one I have seen on this list is Twilight. The books were good, but I agree the movie really needed better actors!

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  4. I applaud you for putting TWILIGHT in the list, Melsy, it should be proclaimed the worst and most horrid film with the most terrible performances ever.

    When it comes to THE MUMMY, I didn't hate it, but I wasn't amazed either. I knew it wouldn't be flawless like the first two movies since it didn't have Stephen Sommers behind the helm but some horrid RobZombie (his name says it all). MAria Bello ruined the film for me. But I did hugely enjoy the snow yetties in the film :)

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  5. Paranormaly Activity was a total let down! Great list! Glad to have discovered your blog!:)

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  6. I'm fortunate I've only heard of a few of those. Agree completely on your assessment of the Phantom Menace.

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  7. aw man! i'm starting to think i have terrible taste! i loved jeepers creepers- but that could be because i was expecting it to be cheese-tastic and justin long is irresistible. :P

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  8. crap, i cannot agree on the star wars... it was more of the excitement that made it worked... when they melted the closed door with the light sabers.
    :)
    i love bad/worst movies, these lists are tough!
    jeremy
    twothumbseightfingers.blogspot.com

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  9. I have the Star Wars prequels on my list too! Ha!

    I loved the Mummy and Mummy 2, so I was soooo disappointed with 3. Disaster. I should have known it was going to go downhill the moment I learned it was a) set in China and b) Rachel Weisz had sensibly opted out.

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  10. Sleep walkers was great when I was a kid, but, you know, I haven't really seen it since.

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  11. Wow, if there's one thing I'm learning from this blogfest, is that movie goers are not to be trifled with. Like a few others, you didn't hold your punches, and now I'm kind of glad I'm not into the business of making bad films.

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  12. Oh, I forgot to list Twilight! I stay away from horror shows. Thanks for the heads up! :)


    ♥.•*¨Elizabeth¨*•.♥

    Can Alex save Winter from the darkness that hunts her?

    YA Paranormal Romance, Darkspell coming fall of 2011!

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  13. I absolutely applaud your inclusion of Twilight and Phantom Menace on this list. What awful movies those were.

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  14. I don't know what is more awesome, this list or your interpretations. I was laughing my ass off. And the creature in Jeepers Creepers was not creepy. Big bat. Spray it with some Raid.

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  15. True on Twilight (Vampire pedophilia) and agreed on Episode 1 of Star Wars, minus the fight scenes. Darth Maul was fun to watch.

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  16. Your list is great! I hadn't thought about the movies that I hated without ever seeing them. You have some of them on here.
    There are just too many bad movies to pick from!

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  17. Oh, no, you've included Creepers and PA on your list. I refuse to believe that. I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED Jeepers Creepers and enjoyed PA. I thought Twilight was okay actually, but hated the sequels. The third Mummy was hideous, and I remember liking Sleepwalkers when I saw it back in 1995.

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  18. People forget that TWILIGHT had very low budget for the first movie...made it look laughably bad.

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  19. Great choices! I loved the first Mummy film. They shouldn't have made any more. As for Paranormal Activity, I am more entertained watching Ghost Hunters on SyFy than that boring flick.

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  20. I can't blame Twilight movie for gaping holes since it came from the book. Why pretend to be 17, when you could pretend to be 19 and avoid high school? And don't get me started on the sparkly thing.

    You have some awesome movies on your list and I love your reasons, lol.

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  21. I have Twilight on my list, too. :P I really didn't like that movie . . . I'm happy to say I haven't seen any of the others!

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  22. Some good choices. While I wouldn't call Twilight the worst movie ever, I'd certainly say it sucked.

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  23. I am with you on Star Wars. They turned DV into a woos. I didn't want to understand him. I just wanted his great, juicy, villainy evilness. And they could erase the ewoks from Return of the Jedi. :)

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  24. I pretty much agree with your pics, there are some I haven't seen.

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  25. I haven't seen any of these, but with a name like "ROLLER BOOGIE" it HAS TO BE BAD!
    :o)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  26. THANK YOU for including Twilight. I didn't because I've not seen it, but just seeing the previews irritates me. And the fact the actors have turned into icons is infuriating as well.

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  27. @Empty Nester It's great to meet you as well, Julie. PA was just a wreck of a film that I can't believe I willingly went to see. Stiffer than frozen spaghetti...Glad you loved that. :) It was the best way for me to describe that painful dialogue and acting in Twilight.

    @Alex Here's your bleach. Clorox works best LOL This was a hellagood time and I'm just loving it. Avoid Roller Boogie, your life will be much better off.

    @Siv Consider yourself lucky that you have not been forced to see any of these beyond Twilight. LOL Robert, Kristen and Taylor truly had abysmal chemistry and acting talent in this one.

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  28. @Dez I think the snow yetis were the only redeeming factor for that third Mummy flick. And thank you for the applause my friend. I could not have a worst list that didn't include this movie.

    @Creepy Query I'm so happy you found my blog! Paranormal Activity was just plain silly. It felt like an extended Discovery Channel show.

    @L.G. Thank you!!! Phantom Menace and the rest are just atrocious. It does my heart good that you agree. :)

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  29. @vic caswell Hi Vics! To me Jeepers jumped the shark and went form serial killer to monster with no bridge. It was a cheesy good time til then, but I do agree that Justin Long is irresistible.

    @iZombie I'm with you. These lists are really tough with so many bad ones out there. The f/x in Phantom Menace, etc. were awesome, it was just the acting, the story and everything else I had a problem with. LOL

    @Sangu Yay you included Stars Wars as well. Whoo Hoo! And those first two Mummies were brilliant. I was so looking forward to the third, but then it all went south.

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  30. @Budd I think if you watch Sleepwalkers again, you'll find it has really lost something that was probably not there to begin with. I had an experience like that when I re-watched Halloween II. I kept thinking is this really what scared me as a kid?

    @Jeffrey You could never make a bad movie. :) I'd pay to see it multiple times in the theater.

    @Elizabeth You're welcome! I'm happy we are in agreement about Twilight. I'm thinking there should be a nation of us Twi-haters. LOL

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  31. Great list! I agree with all but Star Wars. Yes, it was lame, but Episode II was worse with all the damn, mushy romance stuff. Blech! XD

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  32. I did like Jeepers Creepers, but except for Twilight didn't see any of the others. I don't remember hating Twilight, but I don't even remember much about it--I guess I wasn't overly impressed.


    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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  33. @M. J. Why thank you, my friend. :) These movies really are just steaming piles. I'll never get those hours back. Damn it!

    @julie LMAO!! Raid, hell to the yeah! I'm so happy you liked my spin. I don't think I held back too much, do you? :)

    @Lydia I will give PM Darth Maul. He was total badass. Ye old vampire pedophilia on the other hand. Sheesh...that one takes th cake when you start to think about.

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  34. @Pat Kindred spirits with great taste we are. :) You're right, there are just so many godawful movies out there.

    @Nebular George, hun, sweetie...I am not kidding. PA and Jeepers drove me insane. I hated 'em. Those Twilight movies went from bad to worse. We have the third Mummy in common and the movies on your list, though. :)

    @Ben You're right, the budget sure didn't help Twilight. But I think for me it was the sparkling vampire pedophile. LOL

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  35. @Christine Thanks!The first Mummy is best and it all went downhill. LOL Ghosthunters is much more entertaining than Paranormal Actvity.

    @Isis Thank you! The Twi books were so bad. I have serious issues with sparkling corpses. Glad you enjoyed the list and my reasons. ;)

    @Golden There's a whole support network of we Twi haters out there I think. I'm happy to hear you spared yourself the other films in the franchise.

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  36. @RaShelle Glad you liked my choices. I had such a hard time with this list that I think I left off some even worse films. LOL

    @MPax It disturbs me how Lucas ruined Vader. And yeah, those little teddy bears didn't really have to be in Jedi.

    @Wendy I'm happy you liked my choices. Promise me you'll avoid the ones on here you haven't seen. :)

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  37. @Stephen Yep, Roller Boogie says it all. LMAO!

    @Paul You are so welcome. Yeah, I can't stand that these kids have become such icons and they haven't even really done anything aside from these movies to deserve such accolades.

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  38. @Caledonia. Oh heck yeah that romance stuff in Clones was just despicable. There were parts of all these that I liked, but when compared to the original, for me it's hands down the first films.

    @Arlee My friends liked Jeepers, too. I was along for the ride through the first part. It was the switch to man-eating monster mode that got me.

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  39. Totally agree with you re Star Wars: Phantom Menace. URGH!

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  40. I completely agree with you regarding Star Wars. Anything with Jar jar in it doesn't count.

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  41. Melissa-- You're too funny. I enjoyed reading your commentary, but I disagree w/ most of your list.

    Ha, but I think Twilight is definitely #1 worst w/ a bullet. However, I enjoyed Jeepers Creepers for what it was.

    Paranormal Activity was somewhat enjoyable if you can get past the stupid people thing. And you're right they were stupid. My butt would have been in a church and I wouldn't have left until they sent a pastor/priest home with me.

    I didn't see Prince of Darkness in the theater. I just saw it on video so perhaps I had less invested. I was also a tween so it scared the heck out of me.

    Yeah, besides the last fight scene w/ Darth Maul & Obi Wan, Phantom Menance sucked...big.

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  42. Another good list of bad movies. Very funny!

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  43. I loved The Mummy. They really should have stopped there. Although the second one was passable, the third - well, I can see why it made your list. You have the perfect list, I think!!

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  44. Haven't seen this version of the Mummy, but I liked the other two, despite my husband telling me that he doesn't see why I like them so much. So, I'm a child at heart. :D

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  45. Wow! 10 Worst Movies and I only like 3.5, not bad! Here we go!

    Jeepers Creepers. I too was enjoying the opening minutes - with the setup and the scary guy seeing the kids seeing him dumping bodies...then like you, when the wings sprang forth I started checking my watch. Then the real horror started - after leaving the theater, I found out director Victor Salva is a convicted child molester whose sickness is so tied up in his art he filmed himself molesting one of the young stars of his first movie. Despite serving time for this - he got more work after. Powder. Jeepers Creepers. Jeepers Creepers 2. The first a story of a misunderstood outcast with special powers and a beautiful soul - wonder who writer Salva had in the back of his mind when he created that character - featuring lots of locker room scenes involving young shirtless men. The second a story of a hulking old male who pursues a young man throughout the film - wonder what Vic's subconscious was bringing to the table here - and at the end puts his eyes out. The third a sequel about that same old creep now after a busload of young men, who also spend a big chunk of the film's running time running around shirtless. Yeah, that's healthy. I boycotted his movies after the first JC.

    (stepping off soapbox)

    Twilight! Haven't seen it! Won't see it!

    Mummy III - The first one was okay. The second one took CGI to the Nth, with no single menace enough where 1,000,006 menaces could be digitally inserted. Plus Fraser looked bored. Consequently I skipped the third.

    Paranormal Activity - I liked this one. I think you either bought in, or you didn't. I did.

    Over the Top. If during his most self-centered show-up-and-say-the-lines-in-a-monotone period you put your money down to see a Sylvester Stallone arm wrestling movie...you kind of deserve what you got. And don't get me wrong - I love a lot of Stallone movies. I just knew this wouldn't be one of them, so I've skipped it for almost a quarter century now.

    Sleepwalkers. Oh how I hated this movie. I was reviewing movies for a local entertainment guide at the time, and this was high on my list of 10 Worst of 1992. Any guesses what #1 was?


    Prince of Darkness. John Carpenter's worst. I despised this movie.

    Halloween III. On the other hand, this poor old horror flick, trying to do something different in the hurricane of knife wielding slasher flicks that were appearing almost weekly at the time...gets almost no love anywhere by anybody. But Tom Atkins is cool. Stacey Nelkin is cute. Dan O'Herlihy is a fun villain. The gore is pretty graphic and nasty. I like this movie. Always have, always will.

    Roller Boogie. 1979 movies starring Linda Blair as an heiress trying to save a roller disco with her friends are unassailable. And for the record, I'm STILL trying to get ahold of a copy of Skatetown USA!


    Phantom Menace. It is my least favorite Star Wars movie.


    You did put some Ultimate Dogs on here, MB, and for that, I thank you!

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  46. I think your list offers the most dichotomy.
    You list movies that are on everyone's list and you list movies that are on no one's list.
    Twilight is probably the elephant in the room LOL!

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  47. Yeah, Lucas, what were you thinking? Ugh. Anything called Roller Boogie I think has to be bad. :) I'm a new follower via this blog hop. Nice to meet you.

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  48. I remember enjoying Jeepers Creepers but...I was 11 when I saw it. So that probably says something to their target audience. And YES to the prequel rage. That is one wound to my sanity that will never heal.

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  49. You had me chuckling and snorting with your witty barbs! I agree about Twilight. My daughter is that age and I thought this would be a fun memory. I so want the original scare and sex appeal of vampires past. Yeah, I'm not that into glitter.

    I haven' seen Jeepers Creepers, but I have heard about it.

    I soooo agree Lucas ruined my childhood fantasy, when my Dad discovered V on the film. We were all so excited. I can't even watch the newer ones, it bothers me....

    Roller Booger is what it should be called. A totally bad pick, you rocked this challenge!

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  50. A really very interesting read! I hope you keep updating us with more info!

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  51. I forgot about Jeepers Creepers, another addition to my list...

    Dave
    Dave Wrote This

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  52. Over the Top was classic!!! lol I remember watching that with my dad as a kid.
    I liked Twilight okay. I won't even see the 3rd Mummy. The Scorpion King was horrendous enough. I actually love the first Mummy tho.... even the second one is tolerable... but Scorpion King did it in for me.
    Oh, Mel, you're dissing my Hayden?? *heartache* lol I love him. And while I agree the first 3 star wars were poorly executed, I still like the story. Yes, the acting and dialogue in some of them is puke worthy... but I've got a major crush on the older Anakin.
    All those horror movies are horrors in themselves... I won't even watch them... such a waste of time.

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  53. @baygirl I know the horrors of dissing Twilight. I hope Team Edward isn't reading this. :)

    @Lynda Thank you! Phantom Menace makes me scream in frustrated rage. LOL

    @mshatch Oh my God, Jar Jar is one of the worst characters ever envisioned. What was Lucas thinking? Guess he wasn't. ;)

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  54. @msmariah What can I say, differing opinions make the world go around and we do agree on some of the suckage, which is awesome. Twilight is just horrible, I couldn't even bother with the the others. ;) LOL on the priest for PA. Why did he burn that cross? That scene made me sit up and go WTF?

    @Doralynn Thanks! I hope you haven't seen these. I wouldn't wish them on anyone. LOL

    @Jennie Thanks! I loved The Mummy, too. It's one of those movies that if I see it on TV, I stop and watch however far along it is.

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  55. @J.L. The first two Mummy movies are just pure, unadulterated fun. I guess I'm a kid with you. ;)

    @Craig Holy cow!! I did not know that about Salva. I'll never watch any of his movies from now on. You always have the best insights. Glad you liked my dog films here. LOL

    Hmm...Your worst of 1992, would that perhaps be The Lawnmower Man, Dr. Giggles or Bram Stoker's Dracula?

    @smalltownshelly Twilight sure is the elephant in the room. I'm waiting for Team Edward and Team Jacob to assault my house. LOL Glad you liked my list. :)

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  56. @Ciara LOL Just the name Roller Boogie is enough to get the film a worst nod. It's great to meet you as well and thanks for the follow. I appreciate it. :)

    @M I think Lucas should pay for the therapy of all of us who endured the prequels. Just looking at the movie posters make me want to hide under my bed and scream for mommy.

    @Ella Thank you! I'm happy I could make you laugh and snort. These movies were just so awful. And to think it was difficult to cull the list down to this. LOL The new V, I don't get that either. Give me the old Marc Singer tv show.

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  57. @Jason Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed the post and I look forward to your return visits.

    @Dave Jeepers was just terrible. I still can't over the fact this film jumped the shark halfway through and became something else entirely. LOL

    @Pk Oh the wretchedness that is Scorpion King. They went against their mythology with this one as in Mummy Returns, the Scorpion King is evil. Sorry about Hayden! He was good in Jumper. :)

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  58. I liked Paranormal Activity. I'm a huge horror movie fan.

    Also, Over the Top? Worst Movie?? Everything you listed is solid gold! Arm-wrestling? Good. Trucker? Better. Sly flipping his hat right before he REALLY tries to win and the Kenny Loggins soundtrack?? SOLID GOLD!

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  59. @Hannah I love horror, too! Scary movies are the best.

    Solid Gold, now that is a compliment. That hat flip just makes me shake my head. LOL

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