Alex J. Cavanaugh has compelled we in the Blogosphere to list our Worst Movies Ever. These are the movies that just stunk up the theater and made me want to demand my money back. They made me want to bleach my brain, gouge out my eyes and bemoan the loss of those hours from my life. They made me say "I can't believe I paid to sit through this shit." They also made me wish wholeheartedly that I had seen them with Joel, Mike and the Bots from Mystery Science Theater.
Here, in no particular order, are some of my... Worst Movies Ever. (I think I need an echo machine for dramatic effect.)
Jeepers Creepers (2001) Total rip off. You start with the typical dumbass brother and sister college students on a lonely road because no one drives the interstates anymore. Also, I really don't know what makes Hollywood think that America's highways and byways are ever deserted. I digress. So they spy a guy dumping bodies and simply HAVE to investigate. All the makings of a great cheesy serial killer epic. Then...THEN this guy turns out to be a winged monster. WTFH? You have got to be freakin' kidding me.
Twilight (2008) From the bad acting, which was stiffer than frozen spaghetti, to the stilted dialogue to the utterly crazed vampire mythos...here they can walk around in the daytime and sparkle in the sun...this is one hot mess of a movie. Seriously, it stretches the bonds of believability. Riddle me this, why would anyone who's rich and looks eternally 17 choose to go to high school over and over and over and over. And wouldn't he be considered a pedophile?
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008) Talk about the most useless sequel ever and absolutely no chemistry between the actors. And why would an egyptologist search for mummies in China to begin with? I was so goddamned bored in this movie that I walked out and snuck into The Dark Knight, which I had already seen three times.
Paranormal Activity (2007) I know this was an indie with no budget, but come the fuck on. We get this self-absorbed couple, Katie and Micah, a pair of white bread yuppies who, when shit starts happening in their house,just gotta put it on video. Fine, I get that. But then whole movie centers on time-elapsed drooling and staring from Katie and off camera noises that wouldn't scare a toddler. The big ending comes when"demon" Katie kills Micah, again off-camera, then it takes her hours and hours to drag his body up the stairs (My fat ass takes less time) where she pitches it like a fastball at the tripod, which miraculously stays upright. Finally, Katie crawls over to the camera and makes a constipated face. The End. I laughed and laughed through this entire movie. And Oren Peli had a nerve to sic two more on the world.
Over the Top (1987) An arm-wrestling movie, seriously? WTF! Struggling trucker Stallone tried to win his estranged son's affection by entering the national arm-wrestling championships in Las Vegas. Because you know family problems can all be solved with a bit of hand to hand tango on a table in a casino. Who got paid for this shit?
Sleepwalkers (1992) Shape shifters come to town because they need a virgin to feed on in order to keep their powers. Yeah, cuz you know those untouched women work just like a pack of D batteries. And I thought Duracell was the best.
The Prince of Darkness (1987) Of all the forms the Devil could take, green goo was not one I'd ever imagined. A cylinder of green slime is found in a Los Angeles church where it is discovered that this is the essence of Satan. What the eff, John Carpenter? I waited for a seriously cool monster and all I got was a tub of salsa verde. I survived babysitting the Gojnar monsters, er boys, for this piece of shit. Oh my God, pissed does not even begin to describe my mood upon leaving the theater.
Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) The plot for this is so effing stupid, it deserves to be called STOOPID. An insane toymaker hatches an evil scheme to kill millions of children by using a stolen boulder from Stonehenge and putting something in their Halloween masks. A stolen boulder? WTH? Kim Kardashian's popularity makes more sense. And precisely why this was named as part of the Michael Myers franchise is beyond me.
Roller Boogie (1979) It's the Exorcist meets Studio 54...I'm kidding. Linda Blair stars in this whacked out film about skaters who band together to keep their roller disco open. Boo Hoo... tear that piece of shit down, I say. I could only watch and wish that Linda's head would have started spinning and spewing pea soup.
Star Wars: Phantom Menace, Clone Wars and Revenge of the Sith I am stating unequivocally that there is only one Star Wars trilogy and it features Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia and Han Solo. I don't give a rat's ass what any one else thinks. This prequel trilogy of self-indulgent, badly written films with the worst acting ever is total bull shit and tarnishes the legacy. Hayden Christensen is horrendous and he utterly ruined Darth Vader. There is no fucking way the most awesome villain in the universe sprang from that wooden-headed brat. George Lucas, you greedy asshole, you fucked with your own mythology and ruined my childhood memories. Damn you!
Deep breath. Rage has been contained. Hope you enjoyed this look at some of the craptacular flicks I've tortured myself with over the years. And to think each one of these was released in theaters, none were direct to DVD Syfy Z Grades. Yikes!