E Is For...

E is for Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

One of my favorite, favorite shows in junior high and high school was Elvira's Movie Macabre. Cassandra Peterson aka Elvira, honed the warped sense of humor The Addams Family had already instilled. She made me a connoisseur of all things B grade horror. Needless to say, I would not be the woman I am today-- a snarky, demented, horror film addicted writer-- without her. The movies ran the gamut from scary to bizarre, to darkly comedic and abysmally bad.







Here are a few of my all time favorites...

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! A parody of Hitchcock's The Birds about sentient tomatoes that rise up against humanity.

Hell of the Living Dead aka Night of the Zombies A chemical leak turns the staff of a top secret research facility into flesh eating zombies

Blood From the Mummy's Tomb
A professor and daughter return from an expedition to the tomb of a cursed Egyptian princess and become involved in death and reincarnation.

Count Yorga, Vampire A vampire stalks the populace of Los Angeles with his deformed servant.

The Incredible Melting Man An astronaut is forced to consume human flesh to save himself after he's exposed to radiation that causes his body to melt.

Maneater of Hydra Mad scientist creates hybrid trees that feed on human blood.

The House That Screamed Deranged man at a girls boarding school dismembers his victims to create the ideal woman.

Why am I watching this?

It sneaks up on you like a shark under the water, the godawful movie or TV show that you can't look away from. There you are clicking through the channels when you can't sleep or just feel like vegging and it attacks, sucking away your will to change the channel or even shut off the TV until you know what happens.

I was ambushed tonight. I'd done quite a bit of writing, turned off my computer and thought I'd catch a bit of screen time before going to bed. And there it was, waiting for me. Before I could even hit NEXT on the remote, I was couch-potato napped by Raptor Island, a lovely gem of a film starring Lorenzo Lamas. For two hours, I watched this story unfold with all the horrified curiosity of a gaper at a car wreck. Powerless to change the channel, I became addicted with each passing moment. No matter how ridiculous the action, I had to know what happened.

This evil phenomenon happens a lot with reality television shows. These are like the drug cartels of cable and dish networks. I don't want to know about the spoiled brats on "You're Cut Off" or whether or not Kim Kardashian will make up her mind about a handbag. Dear God, I can't even believe I know how to spell the name Kardashian.

What is it about these bad films and bad television shows that suck out our will to think and move? Is there some sort of psychedelic drug embedded in the signal so that they can score ratings with a captive audience? I wish I knew because once the whole thing is over, I'm left with the urge to bleach my brain.

Any of you out there been held prisoner in your own bedroom or living room because of this? What shows or movies did you have to suffer through?