Don't Be Stingy With The Syrup

One of my favorite foods on this planet is pancakes. To me there is nothing like those golden delicious disks coated in butter and syrup. I can't eat them very often, so when I do, they had better be good. No mediocre flapjacks for this woman or there will be consequences. However, if there is one thing I absolutely hate even above bad pancakes it's not having enough syrup. You see, I need to have what I call Perfect Syrup to Pancake ratio when I eat. Go ahead and laugh, my family has guffawed for years over this lunatic quirk of mine.

Anyway, in order to achieve said ratio, the amount of syrup should be proportionate to the size and thickness of the pancake as well as what the pancake is made of i.e. buttermilk, buckwheat...Are you all on the floor gasping with laughter, yet? Go ahead, I'll wait.

Done? Okay.

To continue, the syrup should coat the pancake generously, nearly drowning it, but not turning it into mush. This requires a lot of syrup and as I have discovered, there are a lot of places out there that hoard syrup and dole it out like food rations in these teeny tiny containers.

For example, the restaurant chain Cracker Barrel brings you the syrup in these heated little vials. Vials, hah, that's actually being generous. These little things are so small the syrup is measured in cc's like a drug. Come on, is it maple syrup or penicillin? I'm telling you, you need an eyedropper when you eat the pancakes there.

You would think that a restaurant calling itself a "house" of pancakes would know better. Wrong! At this place the syrup comes in little ceramic teaspoon-sized bowls. I was served three giant pancakes and naturally asked for more syrup. The waitress brought me one more mini-bowl. Really? I had to ask three times before she finally brought out an entire little tray of the thimbles. Damn, just bring me the whole bottle next time and save yourself the trouble.

I went to an All You Can Eat Pancake breakfast at a church. Let me tell you, these people were so stingy that they had a breakfast condiment table set up like we were refugees. Here one would hold out their plate of pancakes and receive precisely 1 pat of butter and 1 mini ladle-full of syrup. Excuse me? I asked for more and stood there waiting for the lady manning the station like Oliver the orphan. She kept giving me the Evil Eye like I was asking her to give me an extra Communion Host. Then give me the ladle, Sister Syrup Nazi and let me do it.

It's syrup people, not liquid gold. I met a guy for a breakfast date and we both ordered pancakes. Fortunately, this place put out mini pitchers of the stuff. Of course, I told him he had to get the waitress to bring him his own as I would be needing all of it. He was not amused and I never saw him again. I think I must be the only woman not to get a second date because of syrup.

I have finally been driven to smuggling in my own. I look like an ass, but I don't care. I have the syrup to myself and don't have to ask for any.

What about you all out there? Any crazy food things? Do you think I'm a big weirdo for this?